And as if my life wasn't complex enough, with all my classes, the U.S. economy collapsing around me, and Paris Hilton looking for a new BFF, Friend G tries to make my life as difficult as possible.
Lately, he has become a complete asshole, targeting all of my insecurities (which is to say, making fun of me every chance he gets). And if there is one thing that I hate, though clearly I hate many things, it's being insulted. And it's more than being insecure. Because I am painfully aware that I am ugly and I am stupid and I am jealous and I am pathetic. And I am painfully aware that I am not good enough for you, and I am not good enough for my parents, and I am not good enough for myself. The point is that I know all of this already and I don't need you to remind me. Because every time I think about it, it hurts so bad it's like getting punched in the stomach. And nobody should be able to make me feel that way.
And if only he knew how unforgiving I am. How easily I can give somebody the cold shoulder. How quickly I can drop people from my life. But it's difficult with him. Seeing as how he is my roommate.
Lately he's been hanging out with an intolerable gay guy I vaguely know. It kills me and he knows it. And he rubs my face in it. It's taking all of me to act like I don't care, but I do and I'm not even sure why. It's not like I want Friend G to be my boyfriend. He's become so unattractive to me, inside and out. But this might be the closest I've ever been with a guy and I'm just so lost and it seems like there's no way out.
The other day I was sleeping in my bed, (the bottom bunk under his), and he came down to lie next to me. I tried to act nonchalant about it but my heart was beating so fast. "We have an interesting relationship," he said.