Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Living Conditions

And as if my life wasn't complex enough, with all my classes, the U.S. economy collapsing around me, and Paris Hilton looking for a new BFF, Friend G tries to make my life as difficult as possible.

Lately, he has become a complete asshole, targeting all of my insecurities (which is to say, making fun of me every chance he gets). And if there is one thing that I hate, though clearly I hate many things, it's being insulted. And it's more than being insecure. Because I am painfully aware that I am ugly and I am stupid and I am jealous and I am pathetic. And I am painfully aware that I am not good enough for you, and I am not good enough for my parents, and I am not good enough for myself. The point is that I know all of this already and I don't need you to remind me. Because every time I think about it, it hurts so bad it's like getting punched in the stomach. And nobody should be able to make me feel that way.

And if only he knew how unforgiving I am. How easily I can give somebody the cold shoulder. How quickly I can drop people from my life. But it's difficult with him. Seeing as how he is my roommate.

Lately he's been hanging out with an intolerable gay guy I vaguely know. It kills me and he knows it. And he rubs my face in it. It's taking all of me to act like I don't care, but I do and I'm not even sure why. It's not like I want Friend G to be my boyfriend. He's become so unattractive to me, inside and out. But this might be the closest I've ever been with a guy and I'm just so lost and it seems like there's no way out.

The other day I was sleeping in my bed, (the bottom bunk under his), and he came down to lie next to me. I tried to act nonchalant about it but my heart was beating so fast. "We have an interesting relationship," he said.

12 comments:

Joshua said...

Nobody should be able to make you feel that way! So don't care about what he says or what he does or how he acts or whatever jackass things he does--you're way cooler and more awesome and more kickass than he is!

You shouldn't feel that you aren't good enough--by who's standards are you playing by? Yours or your parents/friends'/anyone else? You should play by your own rules and decide what's good enough for you, not what other people say is good enough.

So even though you think he's unattractive now, do you still like him? Is there that emotional connection that you feel can still exist?

youshouldcloseyoureyes said...

I think you really should ask him why he does the things he do!
Tell him he's targeting your insecurities and being mean and messing with your head. Maybe not in thoose words exactly, choose your words wisely since you obviously have see him every day. I know this is sensitive for you, but he's making you feel bad and that's never OK. As he said himself you have an intresting relationship, but it's beacause of what he does/say!! Asking him why he's behaving this way doesn't have anything to do with you being or not being intrested in him, it's just about the future of your friendship and being roomates.

I have ended one of my closest friendships recently because he crossed the line and thought he pretty much could say anything to/about me because I didn't put an end to it when it first started. So I've learnt my lession tell people how you feel before it's too late.

I also have quite new friend that keeps giving me mixed messages. He's bi and in a relationship with a guy. He always talks about how happy they are and how good friends we are etc. Then he says something suggistive or his hands start to wander, pretty much like with your roomate. I'm not intrested in him other than us being friends but it's still messing with my head. I want to know where I stand with my friends and I guess that's what you want with your roomate as well and unfortunately the only solution is to ask.

Hope what I've written has made any sence, English isn't my first language.
//Emma

mike said...

I think someone is jealous....

nonetheless, great post. oh, those days of close quarters and roommates.

naturgesetz said...

I'm afraid that sometime you're going to have to talk to G about this. Because if you don't, it's just going to continue, and maybe get worse.

The question is what sort of tack you take. You could be kind of matter-of-fact. Tell him basically what you wrote here — that it is making you very unhappy with him, and if it continues, it will ruin the relationship and you'll end up hating him.

Or you could come out swinging. Say something like, "What the hell is the matter with you man? Why do you feel compelled to insult me all the time? What is so twisted in your mixed up mind that you need to make me feel bad in order to feel good? Man, you're sick. Get help! And stop messing with my mind."

Maybe you hold the second in reserve in case the first doesn't work.

Another possibility: if you can't talk to him or talking doesn't work, get away from him. I'm not sure if you're on campus, but if you are, the university should give you someplace else to live. If you're not in university housing, it may be a bit harder to get away, but you can start planning for it, looking for opportunities.

G is behaving like a bully, and as joshua said, you shouldn't have to put up with that from anybody.

Aek said...

Dude, that sucks. But you have to live with him. At some point you MUST tell him that he's being an ass and that you want him to stop.

I had a bad roommate my sophomore year. I told him so. He did become a bit considerate for a week or two. Things didn't work out between us and he ended up moving to another dorm room.

I hope it doesn't become that way between you two. Nip the situation in the bud while you still can.

Anonymous said...

IS HE REALLY YOUR FRIEND??? IT SEEMS HE'S NOT SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR THAT ROLE. DITCH HIM. FIND SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES YOU BEING YOU!!!!

dickophile said...

why didnt you jump him when he got into bed with you? this guy is like begging you to make the sex with him! and he's hanging out with gay guys? he is soooooo one of us. if friend g turns out to be straight i will be flabbergasted. so why do we find this gay he's hanging with intolerable?

mk said...

Since you're not feeling so hot about yourself, and I'm not above shamelessly stroking your ego, I'll tell you this: any time I read something that strikes me, I write it down on a scrap of paper and tape it to my desk. Sort of like my favorite quotes, but not cheesy shit like, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but the number of moments that take your breath away." You're up there twice. The only other person featured more than once? Oscar Wilde.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

It really doesn't sound like G is trying to make your life difficult at all. It sounds like he's behaving normally and has no idea that your enormous and ridiculous insecurity makes you misconstrue everything. And surely you must realize that being unforgiving, dropping him from your life, etc., would be a much bigger loss for you than for him.

You should avoid whining so much. It's bad for you, and then most of your commenters encourage you in your insecurity. While it's true that nobody should be able to make you feel that way, it's your fault, not his, that he does.

And, yeah, when he gets in bed with you and talks about your complicated relationship, either grab his cock or grab his hand and put it on your cock. That should simplify things.

Random Thinker said...

So, J, how much of what your roommate says about you does he actually come out and say outloud? And how much is what you think he's thinking but inside yor head it really seems like he's saying it all?

Cause, him getting into bed with you seems to indicate that he likes you, he really likes you!

And you should start liking you too! You seem pretty cool.

E said...

I have to agree with "Neighbors", and I speak to this with a great deal of experience.

I spent the majority of my adolescent and adult life being way too hard on myself. I had all the same insecurities as you, and I hid them from my friends and family by playing the role of Superman.

All of this caught up with me, and ended up in serious clinical depression and very near emotional collapse. After some time reflecting, good therapy and no small amount of drugs, I am finally happy being me!

One of the most important things that I have learned through all of my issues is that I am the only one who can control my reactions and feelings about any situation I am in. You basically need to accept that people are going to behave the way they behave and all you can do is address your own emotional response and the source of your negative feelings.

One more thing, don't get bogged down in over analyzing what happened in your childhood or any other past wrong that influenced your development. Focus on the present and future and change the way that you feel about you.

Anonymous said...

I love your insecurities... they make for great humorous writing. However, I suspect they aren't as great was you make them out to be ... but nevertheless, thanks.