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The new neighbors moved in a few months ago but I haven't been home very much so I didn't even know what they looked like until I saw them playing catch in the backyard today. Before that, all I knew was that the family consisted of a single dad and 7-year-old twins (a boy and a girl) and that their situation would be the perfect backdrop for a tv show on ABC in the early 90s.
mommy immediately assumes that the good-for-nothing wife turned her back on her most important duty as a human being and is probably working as a dancer in Las Vegas. I suggested that maybe she died. "Oh, hopefully." I, on the other hand, have a theory that the wife left the husband because after years of sexual repression he finally came out to her. And after seeing today how attractive he is, I fervently hope that my theory is true. That DILF is mine. I have no qualms about the age gap. He looks great for his age and I look horrible for mine. So really, it's a perfect match.
This weekend, I plan on mowing the lawn shirtless and romping around my backyard in an overtly sexual manner. When he sees me from the window above his kitchen sink, his heart will beat fast inside his chest and his knees will go weak. He will come outside to introduce himself and we will have passionate sweaty sex underneath my deck on a bed of freshly laid gravel.
His children won't like me at first because they are quite against the idea of replacing their mommy (with a man). They will play horrendous tricks on me like putting a frog in my teacup and putting superglue on my seat at the dining table. But given time, they too will come to love me and see the beauty that lies deep deep deep deep deep within. They will also see me as somebody who is much better than their good-for-nothing mother who ran away from her responsibilities to become a burlesque dancer at Mandalay Bay with unwholesome ties with the mob.
But sadly, I don't live on Wisteria Lane. Also, seeing me shirtless won't make him weak in the knees as much as it will cause him to throw up in the sink. So this is probably not how things will unfold.
One night, a few weeks back, I had a drunken conversation with a young boy. He thinks I don't remember the conversation, or him, but I do. I remember everything.
During the conversation, he told me that he lives vicariously through me. This was shocking to me. I don't think I've ever been envied before and I'm really not sure why anybody would. My life sucks. Last night I had a dream that I was too ugly to enter a movie theatre. The only person who's ever really wanted to hook up with me looks like Peter Pettigrew from the Harry Potter movies. I've completely lost my reigns on the summer diet of 2009. No, things are not going well in this lifetime.
On the contrary, I envy him. I wish he would write a blog that I could live through. Because he is so young and everything is still ahead of him. His first year at college, his first hookup with a guy, deciding what he wants to do with his life. Those are all experiences I've already gone through and they've been very unsatisfying. My freshmen year was unmemorable. My first hookup was regrettable. And my academic/career direction is something I have serious doubts about (but of course it's too late to change my mind again).
I guess I'm just disappointed that things haven't turned out the way I always imagined they would. And I certainly hope things work out better for him.
I was so busy with the classes, classes that drive me one foot deeper into the ground each day, that I didn't realize this blog is a year old now. Wow, who cares.
The one bearable thing about classes was my TA. Who was pretty hot despite his bitchy remarks and his slightly protruding stomach. One time, I was washing the charcoal dust off of my hands in the bathroom when he walked in and started peeing right next to me while conducting a casual conversation about the latest assignment. I didn't sneak a peak at his pee even though I probably should have. Life is full of regrets in that way. I found him to be cute. I found him to be charming. I found him to be curious. He gave me B. Fuck that stupid whore. Dead to me. But he doesn't care.
I already have enough doubts about my decision to abandon a perfectly stable career in medicine to pursue penniless suffering in architecture. I don't need you telling me that I can't draw to give me even more to worry about. But of course, these people don't care about what grades will do to you. All they want is to be able to judge you meticulously and wield their powers over you to make you feel useless and pathetic. Teachers never really care.
And now that classes are over, it is time to resume the frantic search for jobs which don't exist in a market that tells me that I have absolutely nothing to offer and nothing to be desired. Not intellectually, physically, emotionally, celery, salsify. Still, nobody cares.
Last Wednesday, I went to a job interview near Metro Center. It lasted for 1.5 hours. I poured my heart out and gave it my all. I feigned interest in everything she went on about. I pretended to be a decent human being. Yet despite my efforts, I got rejected today. Fuck you Liz. I didn't want to work for your hip young company in that cool yellow office anyway. And one day, you will look back and be like, "Damn this new intern I hired sucks., I should have hired that incredibly attractive and eloquent Asian. Those are so hard to come by. I will probably never meet another incredibly attractive and eloquent Asian in my entire life. Damn." But it will be too late. I will have moved on and accepted an offer by a 57 year old white man to become his live-in sex slave. But deep down, even Liz doesn't care that much about letting me get away.
Kate Gosselin spotted in Rockville Town Center. Reese Witherspoon and Paul Rudd on the National Mall. Owen Wilson at Georgetown Cupcake. Jessica Simpson in Potomac. Following the slew of celebrity sightings in the area, my ambitions of turning this blog into a brand are reignited. I want to be so famous for this blog that sightings of me around the city are reported instantaneously on blogs all over the world. Please, pictures of the left side of my face only.
To encourage people to actually care about my existence, (and particularly where I exist), I am going to start telling you all the places I go. If you are from the DC area, this might be especially exciting for you. If you are not, google maps is a powerful tool.
Today, I was on the National Mall (the nicer section west of 14th street) with a few of my college friends, lying on the grass (hoping the people walking by wouldn't kick my head), enjoying the weather (before global warming ends the world), and taking my mind off of everything (except the fact that my education is going nowhere and my parents will never love me for who I am). I get a call from two of my high school friends who I was supposed to meet for dinner. I assumed they would meet me by my perfectly staked out spot right underneath the Washington Monument and we would go to eat some strange ethnic food at the Folk Festival, welsh faggots perhaps.
But I forgot that these are two Asian girls. Number one, they got off at Metro Center so they could go to H&M. Number two, they thought they were only two blocks away from the mall when they were, in fact, in another country. But of course, they wanted to eat dinner where they were so I walked against the massive flow of people so that we could have a nice sit down dinner at Kanlaya. The things I do for some fucking red curry.
After dinner we walk back to the mall. Of course my beautiful spot is gone. But we do manage to find a nice little plot of grass behind an impossibly hot guy (one of thousands that are currently littered across downtown). I'm pretty sure he went to high school with my sister. He turns around, and tells me he's really thirsty and is jonesin for my Snapple. It's a Diet Snapple. Get it right, asshole.
Oh yeah. And there were fireworks.
I stumbled upon a youtube video of a queeny middle-aged gay guy getting harassed by a bunch of black kids in Minneapolis. They follow him down the street taunting him with glittering gems like, "Gay is not the way!" At the very end, he emerges from the throng, thinking of himself as a hero, and walks triumphantly down the street declaring, "See how I'm not scared at all!"
There are a lot of comments. Because when it comes to gay people, you either hate them or you love them. I've culled the best ones. My comments in red.
I hate those mother fucking niggers but i also hate those mother fucking gay ass bitches that like to fuck each other in the asshole. but niggers are worse beacuse they have big ass nostrils and are smelly as hell and they got some big gums. they all need to go back to africaland and play with the tigers and lions. i hate black and gay people. i hope i never see a gay black guy. (There are no tigers in Africa.)
you know what is just filthy? how that faggot is walking around like a girl and his effeminate behavior. what a bitch. gays have a hidden agenda. (To redecorate America under your very noses.) don't trust these motherfuckers. even OBAMA doesn't care about the faggots. (Yeah... I guess he doesn't.)
I would love to squish all those kid's heads like little (seedless?) grapes.
you are not scared because they are kids... (This one is my favorite.)
are those ethiopians? they look weird as hell (Sources indicate that they are, in fact, Somalian.)
most gays die of some type of infection, they only thing that creates homosexuality is child molesters its all psychological, how many gay monkeys do you see? (Carson Kressley and Michael Urie are two gay monkeys off the top of my head.)
What this poor fellow should have done was throw waffles, fried chicken, watermelons, Kool Aid, and Barry White CD's at the mob along with coupons for dinner at popeyes (Don't forget Spongebob Square Pants backpacks and Michael Jackson...since last Tuesday.)
I'm not going to link it because this video is too ridiculous. And I'm not taking sides.
Once in a while, I like to go on craigslist just to see what the dregs of society are up to. Also, lately I've been really desperate to find somebody to make out with. Dreg or not. Seriously. Dreg or not.
As with any forum for man-on-man action, the men can be easily categorized into several groups. First, there are the people with no pictures. These people are ugly. There are the people who use fake pictures of hot guys that obviously are not them. These people really want to lure you into their dark apartments so that they can stab you nine times. There are the people that only show their penis or butt. These people have faces that look worse than a penis or butt.
Then there are the hot guys. These hot guys are always straight-acting muscle-jocks that don't like fat people and minorities. Such is life.
Lastly, there are the picky guys. These guys have a preference for every single facet of your appearance and personality. Which is ironic because these guys are usually horribe little trolls.
Generally there is no creativity, no surprises, no hope on craiglist. However, three profiles did catch my eye. Here they are. Don't sue me either if this is you. My comments in red.
#1
no time for games. (which explains why you aren't on inklink right now)
bored as hell.
6'4", 190, brn, brn, athletic (fuck. me.)
GOTTA BE.......white (this makes me mad, but I would say the same), discreet, good shape (ugh), laid back, gf/wife extra points (should i bring her along...)
SEND PICS IF YOU WANT A REPLY
(pant, pant, pant)
#2
Looking for strictly a massage trade maybe with a happy ending too (STRICTLY...but maybe...). I'm 21, five ten, one seventy eight, athletic (fuck. me.), laid back and your average guy's guy (huh?). Looking for a normal guy (as opposed to a guy's guy) who's in decent shape (it's not too much fun to massage fat rolls) (you're a bitch), under 40, and interested in massage and good with his hands. Be pretty close by. Include a pic with your reply. Let me know, looking late here too.
(your chin and thumbs are so sexy)
#3
You: 18-late-20s, Caucasian or Latino (I have friends of other races, but I'm not sexually attracted to them. Sorry, nothing personal) (this statement is just too ridiculous. i have friends that are retarded, i'm just not sexually attracted to them. sorry, nothing personal #3). I'd prefer you to be smooth/slightly hairy and height/weight proportionate (I don't need a body-builder, just someone in decent shape). Finally, I hope I'm not being too picky (wow, too late), but I prefer cut guys over uncut guys.
I met the cutest guy in the entire world last semester when I was his TA and he was my student. I gave him an A+ just for being cute. I expected him to disappear once the semester ended but he found me on Facebook and started chatting with me a lot. This makes me seem like a pedophile. But actually, he is older than me by a few months. I'm just much smarter than he is.
So this Avg blonde cutie invited me to the bars near school on Thursday. I said no because I was scared. He invited me to the pool on Saturday. I said yes because I wanted to see him with his shirt off. He invited me to his house for a party that night. I said no because I was scared.
Obviously this is just one guy being friendly to another guy.
But.
Why does he keep asking to hang out like we're best friends when he barely knows me? I'm sure he has tons of other friends and we really don't have anything in common. I ALREADY GAVE YOU AN A, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I want to believe that he is a closet homosexual and he wants me in bed / as a boyfriend.
But.
That is never the case.
It is day 11 of the summer diet of 2009 and I have lost 10 lbs.
