I never mustered up the courage to pledge a fraternity because let's face it, I don't look good in a jersey tank, I don't have very much testosterone, and I like penis. Mostly though, I just don't know how to act casually around that many attractive, young men without sweating profusely and having an absolute nervous breakdown. And I find it somewhat difficult to become close friends with men because in my eyes, building a friendship is all just a prelude to sex.
So I spent my first three years of college wondering what life was like within fraternity walls. I wondered what brotherhood and social solidarity felt like. I wondered if all the brothers walked around naked after going to the gym together to lift those bar things with two heavy round things on the end. But I accepted the fact that in this case, my ideal-self was too far my actual-self.
At the beginning of this school year, a friend suggested that I pledge his business fraternity. A glimmer of hope emerged. I guess I don't look that bad in a jersey tank.
So I rushed as a senior, clinging pathetically to my last chance to realize a 4-year dream, clumsily peddling myself to people half my college age, eating free buffalo wings.
I was invited to an interview and was actually kind of proud of my old, shriveled self until I realized virtually everyone made it past the first round. Also, everybody in the room looked about three years younger than me and I found it hard not to hum Hilary Duff's "Sweet Sixteen" in my head. It's my time to shine, Sweet Sixteen.
I had a terrible time answering questions like, "If you were a song, what would you be?", "If you were a sound, what would you be?", and "If you were an animal, what would you be?" It was even more difficult (read: humiliating) trying to impress brothers younger than me with witty (read: retarded) answers and watching their expressionless, uninterested faces dotted with acne.
I received an email this morning, thanking me for my interest. And like Vinny on last week's episode of The Jersey Shore, I felt at once betrayed and insulted that my vulnerability would be thrown back in my face, that my efforts would be unrewarded, that my frat dreams would come to an end. But I guess I will just have to accept that my lower-standard-self is still too far from my actual self.