My Presence Is A Present, Kiss My Ass

Over the years I've developed this strange sense of humor where I insult myself viciously and then wait nervously for others to laugh. Some of my go-to comments are telling people I got a 600 on the SATs and that I have the upper body strength of Suri Cruise. I do this because, ONE: it makes people more comfortable than being obnoxiously pretentious and TWO: when people's expectations are sufficiently lowered, you can only impress them. This is also probably some deep rooted response to my parents' insulting. I definitely feel the need to put myself down before anybody else has the opportunity to.

This post is going to be different because I feel like I've adequately trashed your views of me so now I am going to impress you with an accurate and honest and true description of myself.

1. I have an incredible body.

I talk shit about my body a lot. I usually do this in real life to fish for comments like, "If you lost 20 pounds you would die," or "No your head definitely does not look like an egg." Last week I was driving in my car, singing along to the Glee version of Total Eclipse of the Heart when the thought hit me: my blog readers have never actually seen me so they really do believe that I am the fattest person in the entire world. Let me tell you that I'm not fat. I am six feet tall and have a 32 inch waist. Ok, I am fat. But I'm not Khloe Kardashian fat. I am Matt Damon in Ocean's 13 fat.This is more than you ever needed to know.

2. I am not faggy.

The only reason I was listening to Glee songs was because I was alone in the car and all the heavy metal / grunge rock radio stations were on commercial breaks.

3. I am athletic.

I play tennis very well. Sometimes my boyfriend, who's never really played before, beats me. But that's because he is tall and has that weird white-person natural athletic ability. But seriously, I am good. No, tennis is not a gay sport.

4. I have a boyfriend.

I had this phase a while back where every single post was about my debilitating loneliness. I wrote once about how I refused to believe that the world could end in 2012 before I ever had a boyfriend. Somebody commented, "If the world can't end before you have a boyfriend, I think we're all safe. Indefinitely."

Well the joke is on all of you because I have a boyfriend AND he is white AND he is masculine AND he is cute AND he has a huge dick AND he doesn't think I am mentally insane. Well, he probably does, but he hasn't brought up any concerns yet.

5. I am smart.

I got a 2330 on my SATs. 

So yeah, my life is perfect and you should absolutely envy me. I should be the example showing everyone that gays can make it in this world. I should have my O.W.N. show. I would call it, "Beautiful Dinosaur" and I would cast Alex Pettyfer as myself because we are basically twins with the same body type.