Friday, January 14, 2011

My Presence Is A Present, Kiss My Ass

Over the years I've developed this strange sense of humor where I insult myself viciously and then wait nervously for others to laugh. Some of my go-to comments are telling people I got a 600 on the SATs and that I have the upper body strength of Suri Cruise. I do this because, ONE: it makes people more comfortable than being obnoxiously pretentious and TWO: when people's expectations are sufficiently lowered, you can only impress them. This is also probably some deep rooted response to my parents' insulting. I definitely feel the need to put myself down before anybody else has the opportunity to.

This post is going to be different because I feel like I've adequately trashed your views of me so now I am going to impress you with an accurate and honest and true description of myself.

1. I have an incredible body.

I talk shit about my body a lot. I usually do this in real life to fish for comments like, "If you lost 20 pounds you would die," or "No your head definitely does not look like an egg." Last week I was driving in my car, singing along to the Glee version of Total Eclipse of the Heart when the thought hit me: my blog readers have never actually seen me so they really do believe that I am the fattest person in the entire world. Let me tell you that I'm not fat. I am six feet tall and have a 32 inch waist. Ok, I am fat. But I'm not Khloe Kardashian fat. I am Matt Damon in Ocean's 13 fat.This is more than you ever needed to know.

2. I am not faggy.

The only reason I was listening to Glee songs was because I was alone in the car and all the heavy metal / grunge rock radio stations were on commercial breaks.

3. I am athletic.

I play tennis very well. Sometimes my boyfriend, who's never really played before, beats me. But that's because he is tall and has that weird white-person natural athletic ability. But seriously, I am good. No, tennis is not a gay sport.

4. I have a boyfriend.

I had this phase a while back where every single post was about my debilitating loneliness. I wrote once about how I refused to believe that the world could end in 2012 before I ever had a boyfriend. Somebody commented, "If the world can't end before you have a boyfriend, I think we're all safe. Indefinitely."

Well the joke is on all of you because I have a boyfriend AND he is white AND he is masculine AND he is cute AND he has a huge dick AND he doesn't think I am mentally insane. Well, he probably does, but he hasn't brought up any concerns yet.

5. I am smart.

I got a 2330 on my SATs. 

So yeah, my life is perfect and you should absolutely envy me. I should be the example showing everyone that gays can make it in this world. I should have my O.W.N. show. I would call it, "Beautiful Dinosaur" and I would cast Alex Pettyfer as myself because we are basically twins with the same body type.

20 comments:

x! said...

You're so cool. I envy you.

Anonymous said...

I did think you were a fatty. Thanks for clearing that up.

P.S. Go white cock

Anonymous said...

go asian cock!

Tommy said...

Think being a 6ft tall Asian should make you some kind of holy grail.

But good for you for setting things straight and showing off what you got, be confident.

Anonymous said...

Let's just agree that all cock is excellent.

Mike said...

Yeah to cocks of all colors, shapes and sizes!! God bless whoever invented cocks!

Anonymous said...

I'm enjoying the dual (and duel...) presentations of reality. Very Black Swan.

soft nonsense said...

Ugh. I can't stand all this pretentiousness. So obnoxious.

I shall show my displeasure by my continued readership.

dccised said...

Leave it to the gays to devolve every conversation to one about cocks.

Tommy: I am worshiped in Asia.

Anon 4: The character of Nina Sayers is loosely based on my life.

Aek said...

I wish I had an incredible body! Working on it though. I do wish I were taller, but that's not something I have control over at this age. I think it's plausible that there's only downhill in that respect from here on out. :-/

I took the SAT before the scoring changed, so I don't know how well that number is. I'll just take your word for it.

And second Anonymous #2. :-P

Average gay dude said...

So the truth comes out! I'm glad you told us a little bit about youorself. I have a friend who will do the same thing as you; make fun of himself in efforts to lighten the mood and make everyone feel comfortable.
And damn man! You put my 1800 SAT score to SHAME! You're a baller.
Seems like you have everything going for you.

Anonymous said...

daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn i love this!

nico said...

1 I've got a decent body, really nice arms

4 I had a boyfriend but he got a dui and is in jail so I'm not sure how that's supposed to work now

5 I took the act because I'm west coast based but idk how a 32 translates

I also I want to kill myself because I'm in the same boat with my parents and I have a giant nose

Anonymous said...

Is Suri Cruise really fat?

Anonymous said...

yeah im glad you can write about me like this and then treat me like shit in real life. whatever.

TED said...

So what happened to the bullet point where you tell us that you're really happy, rather than miserable as you always claim to be?

Anonymous said...

I'm now envisioning a trailer for Asian Swan. Yellow Swan?

Anonymous said...

Girlfriend, you need to update more often.

Oldyeller said...

Yes, I think its just about time that either you or Alex Pettyfer pen another jocular yet insightful post.

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND said...

cock and fatty don't work, try fatty cock.