Friday, April 8, 2011

The Best Stuff Happens To Me When I Wear V Necks

Out of the three people in my sophomore year triple, Chris Colfer was definitely the most flamboyant. He also had the voice of a wattled crane. So everyone kind of suspected that he was gay and it was funny and sort of awkward that the other two roommates were actually the ones having sex with each other. Chris Colfer assured everyone he was straight and I was pretty much convinced. I assumed he was one of those guys that likes musical theater and vagina at the same time. Well, not the exact same time.

So I'm at my roommate's party [not the one I was casually having sex with, the other one] in my blue v neck. I don't know anybody there so I went straight to the kitchen to "do my thing" aka take shots of vodka and chase with water. The vodka is blue, so it's like, meant to be.

Chris Colfer says he has to tell me something and pulls me into a closet [ironic]. At this point, I am standing in a dark closet with a flamboyant junior with an entire party watching from the outside and I am wearing a blue v neck. And then he leans in to kiss me. I'm not sure if I expected this and went into the closet just to confirm my suspicions and flatter myself. But I'm not interested at all; I prefer the Darren Criss type. So I turn my face away and ask, "So what do you wanna talk about..."

"I think I'm in love with you."

This is the first time I've seen Chris Colfer in two years. So either his love grew from afar or maybe he was sitting on this bomb for the past two years or maybe he was just trying to feed me lies to get me to sleep with him. Regardless, I wanted to kill myself. This was the worst closet I've ever been in, hands down. I manage to respond with a feeble, "Thanks. But I'm one of those guys that likes Mariah Carey and vagina at the same time."

So I tell him I have to go to the bathroom but go to his room instead. I close the door, open the window, and leave.

In case you're keeping track, this means all three of the guys living in my sophomore triple were/are gay.

16 comments:

Mike said...

undoubtable your Menstrual cycles should have tipped you off sophomore year, no?

Tommy said...

Like mariah carey and vagina at the same time? hahaha, stealing that.

You are so funny sometimes.

underduhrainbows said...

You are so funny all the time.

Anonymous said...

Can you write a book? Or at least post once a week? I need more. This is great.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog by chance today and started reading it (despite the extremely small fonts). You are an excellent writer!!!! Congrats!!!! Don't stop posting :)

Anonymous said...

Touché with the closet case taking you into the closet to tell you he loves you. life is stranger than fiction sometimes. I don't think mentioning your blue V-neck was carrying the closet reference too far, though.

Doug said...

I love v-necks. I own a blue v-neck too.

Trans Fat said...

v necks the biggest fashion faux pas since crystal pepsi!

Oldyeller said...

3 out of 3 is quite a coincidence, considering that the gay population supposedly comprises only 1.7% of men, according to a recent report of the Williams Institute.

Anonymous said...

According to the Williams institute that may be so...but according to an Olde English Proverb Birds of a feather flock and together. I'll go with the oldew proverb on this one.

Jeaux said...

He went out through the bedroom window... Didn't anybody see?

Anonymous said...

... did u see this?
http://youareanobject.com/post/5354686294/nice-shirt-bro

Oldyeller said...

Awesome pic of North Morgan (aka LP)!

Mike said...

Can you assist me? The front is so tiny. Is this post from April 8th, 2010?

Craig said...

I think it's from 2001.

Dan said...

I'm sure more people are attracted to you than you let on.