Monday, March 30, 2009

The Tables Turned

I am embarrassed about how gay I was in middle school. I did not play football. Most of my friends were girls. I gelled my hair. I like to keep tabs on the guys who made fun of me for it. Their names are on my friends list. Their numbers are in my phone. We stay in touch. Because when their lives fall apart, I want to be in the front row, smiling.

But an interesting phenomenon is occurring. I look around and suddenly these very people are self-proclaimed "VERY LIBERAL"s. They passionately defend gay marriages in groups like "If You Don't Support Gay Marriage, Then Don't Get One!" They blast "Just Dance" from their dorm rooms and sing Avril Lavigne in the shower. They take an hour every morning in the bathroom just to get their faces ready. They gel their hair.

Part of me is skeptical about their homomorphosis. How can somebody go from being so closed-minded and hateful to the President of the Gay Straight Alliance. Also, why couldn't you have learned all this like 10 yea
rs ago, before you completely ruined my self-esteem.

But it's not a bad thing that these people have changed. Better now than never. And perhaps their transformations are sincere. It's just ironic that those jerks became sensitive men and I became an athlete with the body of a minor Greek god. I guess all I'm saying is, who's the fag now?

Figure 1: You guys are gay. Or European.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

What A Tangled Web We Weave

Referring to my friends by letter has become very cumbersome. Even I can't keep track of who they are anymore. And thus, I have created an elaborate system of naming.

Names will be composed of three parts as follows:
Hair Color

I've known Tall Blonde Alcoholic for about 6 years now. He was very quiet and reserved in high school but ever since college he has become a raging party animal. I harbor deep suspicions that he is gay. I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend. He never hits on girls. He worships Britney Spears. It doesn't say what he's "Interested In" on Facebook. And one time, when I was using his laptop, I saw that he was subscribed to a gay s&m website. I guess you could say that was the tipping point.

Anyway, I keep quiet about this knowledge because not everyone has the god given talent of gaydar and perhaps Tall Blonde Alcoholic wants to come out on his own terms. I can relate.

I have another friend, Avg Brown Quarter-Asian. She is in love with Tall Blonde Alcoholic even though he has never done anything to suggest he feels the same. She says she has moved on but she has not. When he gets drunk and passes out on the floor, she lies down next to him and pretends she has passed out too. When he's gone, she always complains there's nothing to do. She talks about all the things that he does that convinces her that maybe the love is reciprocated. "One time, after I got him a beer, he said he loved me." Yeah and one time, after I blew a guy, he said he loved me. And that didn't exactly pan out the way I planned either.

She is so in love that she can't see what's really going on. I can relate.

She has a few suspicions that he is gay also. (A seed that was probably planted by me.) I told her that she should give up on him. (Because subconsciously I want him for myself.) But she thinks there might be hope that he is straight because...

get this...

"Remember that one time he said he wanted to marry Lady Gaga?"

I can't argue with that.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Gay Idol

Every year, there is one contestant on American Idol that is gayer than a messenger bag. First it was Justin Guarini, then it was Clay Aiken. Most recently, it's been Sanjaya and David Archuleta. I watched Idol for the first time this year and when I spotted this seasons gay contestant, I was not impressed.

I've heard some controversy over Adam Lambert opening up about his sexuality on the show because it would cause him to lose votes. Let's face it, the vast majority of Idol viewers are obese conservatives who wear massive sweatshirts and sit on their couches all day quoting the Bible and Paula Deen. So sure, he would lose votes if he came out. I also suspect that the show would lose quite a lot of viewers that are appalled that a homosexual is being flaunted as an "idol."

But if he does come out, every time something bad happens to Lambert people are going to complain about it being some form of anti-gay discrimination.

I know us gays have a certain obligation to stick together and support each other. So if one of us finally makes it in the world, we should back him 100%. But I can't bring myself to like Lambert just because he is gay. I must say, if Lambert gets voted off, it probably won't be because he is gay as much as because he is also really weird and bad.

First off, his hair looks like he killed a bird of paradise and put it on his head. He wears more eyeliner than Amy Winehouse. He sings well but also like he's possessed. And it's all very awkward to watch. I don't know why this has escaped people's attention but the winner of American Idol has to appeal to the majority of the American public. If he (or anyone really) thinks he can win by being weird / individualistic / gay, he's going to be surprised.

And although it's pretty obvious that he is gay, conservatives are very dense and they probably haven't figured that out yet. But I don't want Lambert to come out on the Idol because he would immediately become the face of the gay community to millions of ignorant people across America and they will probably assume we are all like that. And just for once I would like an all American guy to represent the gay community in a positive, non-bird-of-paradise, non-eyeliner, non-fucking-weird way.

Monday, March 16, 2009

My Boyfriend, The Pornstar

Monday, March 16, 2009 is a day of revelations. Mason, or Mase as I affectionately refer to him in hypothetical situations in my mind, is not an amauteur college boy. Mason, or Mason Wyler as he is more widely known, is in fact, a porn star. But Mason is not a typical porn star. He is the type you can take home to mommy. He isn't overmuscled or overtanned. He has the cutest smile. His dick doesn't look like an alien. He doesn't make me vomit a little in my mouth. In short, he used his naturally, boyish good looks to decieve me.

You may recall seeing him first at Corbin Fisher, billed as the wide-eyed and innocently straight Mason, "he stays busy in his free time by hitting the gym, chasing girls, and playing football!" But alas, another revelation is to be had. Because the charade of heterosexuality is as fake as the hypothetical situation I concocted where Mason knows I exist. I know this because one time, while he was getting fucked, he said under his breath, "That is the biggest dick I've ever had." Uh, shouldn't it be the only dick you've ever had...?

So this makes me skeptical about all of the other models on Corbin Fisher and Sean Cody and Broke Straight Boys that are labeled as "straight" and "amateur." As far as I'm concerned, they are just giving me false hope in thinking that I can stick my cock up any old straight boy's ass and get away with it.

Anyway, there's an interview video of him floating around somewhere where he talks about his involvement in the gay porn industry and his boyfriend (SO I AM RIGHT). It is so cute I can barely stand it. He also confessed to being somewhat of a loser. Which I think is adorable considering his occupation, and it makes him seem all the more attainable. But I couldn't figure out how to embed it so these pictures will have to suffice.

There is also a story about him getting raped by an army captain in his Dallas apartment. But I'm not really sure what to make of that...

Also, could I use ANY MORE commas.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

End of Gays

It seems like every day the New York Times publishes a new story about a shooting rampage. This is a sign that the world really is ending. Nostradamus 2012. Which is a pity because I'm pretty sure Tina Turner was planning a comeback that year.

In preparation for the end of the world, I have started going to the gym every day for 2 hours. I want to be in peak condition when the world ends so that I can outrun the zombies and outswim the tsunamis. I also want to be strong enough to withstand the famine/plague/lack of internet service. But these gym sessions have proven only marginally effective. I have a habit of eating a slice of vegetable pizza immediately afterward.

What if the world really did end in 2012? There are other signs that point to its demise: the rapid onslaught of global warming, the collapse of the global economy, the cancellation of Pushing Daisies. If it does happen in 2012, I will only be one year out of college. Perhaps I will be in grad school. I can't imagine the world ending before I even find a decent job. I can't imagine the world ending before I find a decent boyfriend. Dear world, hold off for like, five years please.

But on the other hand, this confluence of disasters is probably occurring because, like dominoes, one collapse causes another. At some point, a domino will remain just out of reach of the collapsing chain and from that point, we can all rebuild and move on.

So probably, the world is not ending. I can stop going to the gym and stop freaking out about my 10,000 virtual shares of Panera Bread. What do the Mayans know anyway? Oh wait, didn't the Mayans invent popcorn? We're screwed.