Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Maybe This Time

The day after everyone decides to burst out of the closet in Salisbury, we avoid looking at each other in the eyes. Inwardly, I wonder if he meant what he said. I want to get him to say it sober. I want to sit on his lap. Instead,we go back to pretending we are straight. We sit far apart and hum along to Lady Gaga on the car ride back.

Several weeks after returning from Salisbury, Tall Blonde Alcoholic, Average Brown Quarter-Asian, and I get mildly/wildly intoxicated. We end up in Average Brown Quarter-Asian's dorm room. I lie horizontally on the foot of her bed and decide that it wouldn't be that bad if the sky fell down on me. Tall Blonde Alcoholic walks over to the bed and lies next to me with his head on my chest and his arm around me. And though he would have blamed it on the alcohol if I asked, I feel like the sky has indeed fallen down on me.


Over the next few days, I consider what has occurred. No doubt Average Brown Quarter-Asian is considering designs for my life. But I conclude that he is an alcoholic and probably thought I was either a pillow or an oversized bottle of spiced rum.

A week later we are both sitting on the couch in my apartment watching Chicago. I've had a few drinks and I find Renee Zellweger irresistable. So over the course of the movie, I inch closer and closer to where he is sitting. He has had a few drinks and he finds Catherine Zeta-Jones irresistable. So over the course of the movie, he forgets to inch away from where I am sitting.

I tell him it's late and that he should just sleep in my place. I then systematically talk him out of every article of clothing he is wearing. When I wake up and sober up, I think to myself while he sleeps silently, "There is no way that this has just happened." And then I think, "He is probably gay."

Over the next few weeks, the occurrence repeats itself several times. Always the same, he gets drunk, I get drunk, he wants to make out, we end up in bed together. When he wakes up from his drunken stupor, he realizes his huge mistake. And for the next excruciatingly sober hours, days, weeks, we ignore the homoerotic tension and pretend nothing is going on. He doesn't express any sober or reasonable desire to see me or be with me. I express my desire to drown myself in the Tidal Basin.

Some lessons are never learned, and this is mine. This is just further evidence that nobody on this planet is physically capable of wanting me. In which case I might as well live a life of solitude on the Moon, which incidentally has water. Ready my spaceship.

And although he really is special, out of all the silly boys, I have a feeling this one will disappoint me the most.

14 comments:

Formysake said...

I think he just may be scared.

If he just came out (ever) then everything is absolutely new and scary; and probably does not know how to approach this kind of relationship.

Anonymous said...

Love the devil wears prada line.

alex said...

this is very typical rite of passage for coming out... he cant make the full step in one go... but of course he wants you!!!!!! have no doubt about that

whether he stays with you once he fully 100% commits to being gay or not is a different story...

Stop the guilt trip and just enjoy it

Anonymous said...

He's scared. You're scared. But your are definitely less scared and more capable of dealing with this than he is, so initiate a thoughtful conversation about it and put him at ease. Take the lead.

And for the love of God (or whatever you believe), stop drinking so much. It's a massive crutch that is crippling your and his ability to communicate. Instead of thinking, "Hey, we should talk about this," you two just think, "Hey, let's just keep drinking and drinking until something happens." That will only exacerbate the problem you're writing about until this relationship implodes. Please don't start down this path, b/c it will only lead to major problems all across the board.

He wants you. You want him. I want you to have him. Good luck.

Oldyeller said...

From his point of view, you are his best friend. I think he's concerned that fooling around with you will jeopardize that friendship--which I'll bet is more important to him right now than any hookup.

Also keep in mind that his alcoholism will eventually come between you two--regardless of what else happens. He has to drink--you apparently don't.

mstpbound said...

honestly, i just wish i had your alcohol tolerance. :o

Aek said...

It sounds like guilt and part of him coming out and accepting himself, if nothing else.

Perhaps things will get better, perhaps not. Maybe it'd be a good idea to not get drunk together, and to have a talk about all of this.

sean said...

Cut it off as soon as you can. You'll dig yourself deeper and it's not worth the energy spent wondering constantly.

He may want you. I wouldn't doubt it. Alcohol may make him feel more comfortable with his decisions but he's obviously not mature enough to deal with his emotions

and you deserve someone who is capable of articulating his feelings, what he wants and is able to respect you.

Granted, it may take awhile to find that person but you're an incredible and deep guy so you will find him. No doubt about it.

I just don't want you to see you getting hurt by someone who doesn't deserve this much of your time.

Tim said...

never date anyone coming out of the closet...period
It's always exactly like this and it's a long slow drawn out process for someone to be different and honest when they lied and concealed things before. It's just human nature and your right he will break your heart.

j spratt said...

if you substitute Tall Blonde Pothead / Mousy Red Half-Irish, you have my second and third years of college...

great blog. keep it up.

Caligula Sanchez said...

I can't decide which of you is sean batemen and which is paul denton.

Oh and don't stop drinking.

Mike said...

oh the Tidal Basin is so trashy. aim higher. you are worth it. i say single shot mouth, picnic table, along side the Potomac.

Drew said...

That's what I'm saying. Get him to go to drug rehab and say it sober.

fuck, i'm gay said...

i totally know how you feel. it is always difficult to always be around something/someone that you will/may never have. i just try to focus on the perspective that it is better to have some relationship with that awesome and supremely compatible person rather than no relationship at all. good luck!!!