Thursday, March 22, 2012

Gay For 401k

I wonder if it would be lucrative for me to sell out all the secrets of the world of consulting. House of Lies kind of does this I guess, but I feel like my account would be more visceral and desperate (read: entertaining). I’d write it in the style of Memoirs of a Geisha. John Cho would play me in the cinematic adaptation; I wonder if he’s comfortable playing gay.

In September, the disparity between my expectations for the business world and the reality of it had me reeling. Management was pretty swift and blunt about clarifying that my job was to meet contrived metrics ahead of serving the client. I was legitimately worried that I would go insane before the two year mark when I could leave the position with some sort of credibility. It’s kind of a non-issue now. The metrics are easy to meet and the client is kind of dumb anyway. Days of the week pass faster than ever and it seems seven months have flown by without any effort or drama on my part.

I do worry that I’m getting stupider and slower. I watched Million Dollar Listing last night and the gay real estate agent did arithmetic in his head way faster than I could. Intellectual comparison to Bravo personas is my SAT. I was doing so well when Real Housewives of New Jersey was on. More concerning is the possibility that I get too comfortable here and lose the drive to pursue something better. With each paycheck, I can feel the fire in my belly dwindling further. My evil manager is out for the foreseeable future due to a torn Achilles. I’m happier than ever.

A few weeks ago a headless guy with an unremarkable body messaged me on Grindr. He tried to engage me in some deep philosophical conversation about universal morality and European debt but I was just like, “FACEPIC?” It was the senior recruiter from my office. I’ve only met him once before on my first day of training. I knew he was gay then too.

So I was like, “K THANX” thinking I could walk away from that conversation unscathed.

“You should check your LinkedIn requests more often."

My initial thought was, who the hell uses LinkedIn? And then I was like, oops, he knows who I am. And then I was like, what’s my password?

He indicated that he wanted me to come up to his office sometime and discuss my “career direction.” I assumed “career direction” was consultant jargon for pointing his peepee towards my butt. He told me his office had no windows. I told him I’m on the client site…until July. If staying in this industry means turning into this guy, somebody please kill me. To be fair, he works in HR and everyone in HR is always a fuck-up carrying a ton of emotional baggage.

He messaged me on the office communicator yesterday.

Him: Hey twink
Me: Hey fat ass

So we’re paying this game now, I guess.