Sometimes I wonder what's keeping me from coming out. There are so many things I can't wait to do once I take that step. I want to make my friends really uncomfortable when I talk about how badly I'd like to make out with them. Yes, I am so ready for that.
Obviously coming out to my parents is still a touchy issue (I'm debating whether I should break the news on my deathbed or theirs). But why haven't I come out to my friends? They're mostly liberal so it's not like I'm going to be tied to the back of their pickup and dragged along I-95 for twenty miles. Oh wait, I remember now.
The one thing I fear the most about coming out is when the reactions go something like this:
"Yeah ___ is gay, but he's still really cool."
What does being gay have to do with being cool . As if the two are mutually exclusive and if you can overcome that, well then you're something special. I am not "cool" in spite of my homosexuality. Being gay has nothing to do with it.
"I'm still your friend."
Did I run over your dog? Me being gay doesn't hurt you in any way. Why is the state of our friendship even a question?
But even worse is when it goes something like this:
"You know I'll always accept you."
That wouldn't make me feel better; that would just make me feel like a Visa card. In my opinion, this typical reaction seems altogether unfitting (not to mention callous). I am gay, and I told you because I don't want you to be surprised when you catch me in bed with Lance Bass. But to think that I need your approval to love who I love seems awfully self-absorbed and pretentious. I never understood why so many gay guys desperately seek acceptance from the people they come out to. I like to think that we are strong enough to stand by who we are no matter what other people choose to accept.
And worst of all, guys who come out immediately become, "the gay friend." All of a sudden, everyone assumes that you'd love to go shopping, are dying to see Mamma Mia, and are interested in meeting all the other gays on the entire planet. But that's really not true (at least in my case). After I'm out, I'll still be the same me. But to everyone else, I'll go from being just a regular guy to the guy who loves cock. And for the rest of my life, I will inevitably have "gay" attached to my name like some sort of unwanted epithet. "That's the gay guy who hates Madonna, how novel!" "That's the gay guy who loves A&F, how typical..."
What I'm really trying to say is that being gay doesn't define me. But if I come out, it probably will. And I'm certainly not ready for that.