Thursday, July 3, 2008

Wishful Thinking

I had this friend in high school that was from a pretty rural area of the suburbs. He bragged constantly about his collection of guns that his grandfather had passed down to him and he went hunting regularly with his uncle in Pennsylvania. So basically, this kid was as redneck as you can get in DC. He had the blond hair, blue eyes, and huge muscles, so naturally every girl in school wanted him. And since he was the quintessential unattainable straight guy, I wanted him too. Oh how I punish myself...

The interesting thing though, was that he never even seemed remotely interested in any of the girls that fought viciously for his attention. One time we were talking and I asked him if he had a girlfriend (because I like being sarcastic and bitter like that) and he said no because he thinks girls are a waste of time / he never wants to be with a girl / and he is never going to fall in love. I just nodded and laughed nervously because I hoped with every fiber of my being he was wrong about the love part. He was going to fall in love with me. We were going to get married and we were going to have enough children to form a soccer team. And we would have our children this way: We would take the genetic combination of our two sets of chromosomes and combine it with one of Petra Nemcova's sets of chromosomes and use Ana Ivanovic as our surrogate mother. And our children will win the World Cup.

But practical scenarios aside, this friend did always seem somewhat ambiguous in terms of his sexuality. He is extremely masculine, (which isn't always a good indicator either way), but there were some things he would do that would inevitably raise the fag flag.

In high school, we had a lot of classes together and he would always try his hardest to do things to get my attention / annoy me. He would steal my pencils, write his name all over my paper, and kick the back of my seat. It actually made me pretty angry and I sometimes acted like I hated him. Really, it only made me love him even more. He also used to walk up to where I was sitting and sit on my lap and put his arm around me like it was nothing out of the ordinary. Not wanting to look gay in front of everyone, I'd just laugh a little and punch him in the stomach. But really, I wanted to have him right then and there, A.P. Physics be damned.

One other time, I was in the middle of a scrimmage match during tennis practice and he had just finished his soccer practice. I was completely focused on my match so I didn't even notice him creep up behind me. All of a sudden, he smacked my ass so hard that I can still feel the sting today. And when I realized it was him, I almost dropped to the ground and cried because let's face it, it was a dream come true for me. I didn't though because that would have been terribly confusing for my opponent. But then again I completely lost my mental focus after that and lost the match horribly. Grrr...

Also, a couple years ago at my birthday party, we were walking in the woods for some reason, (I don't remember why... it was that kind of night) and I'm basically shivering to death because I hadn't planned on our little jungle expedition. But completely unexpectedly, he takes off his team jacket and hands it to me. Is that not the gayest thing in the entire world? It basically took all of my self control not to pin him against a tree and ravage him.

So what I want to know is if my suspicions are legitimate. Or am I just seeing what I want to see? Anyway, he goes to my university so I still have three years to figure him out, ravage him against a tree, and write that awkward letter to Petra and Ana.


8 comments:

dpstam said...

does he know you're gay (you're gay right? sorry if i'm incorrect)

it sounds like you really like/are in love with him.. go for it! maybe talk to him about it and if he's straight then that's unfortunate. but he probably won't mind you having a thang for him if he's a good/true friend ya know?

from what you're describing.. he seems to be diggin' ya...or just "playful"... the woods (he WANTED you to pin him against a tree), physics class? smacking your ass? that would certainly raise a flag :)

btw petra and ana are smokin' hot!!
you will all have hot babies. ew wait, babies aren't hot... hot offspring i mean.

Andrew said...

I say go for it. Be blunt and straight forward and ask him. He's obviously comfortable enough with himself and being ambiguously "straight" that even if he's not gay, he won't care if you are, but if he is gay, you may just get what you want, sans superhuman soccer team.

Andrew

j said...

dpstam/andrew: i guess the real problem is that i'm just too shy and morbidly afraid of rejection. also, i am a little worried that if he doesn't take it well, he might shoot me in the face...

Gemini's Life said...

It's not him shooting in the face you should be worried about, it's what he's shooting with...

Hish said...

I don't know about you, but I think *I* love him now too. You should talk to him about it. It's worth a shot.

James said...

um, yeah. that's a well gay guy. i'd say someone has a crush on you!

steevo said...

Use the old "my friend/cousin who is gay" ploy. Have some beers, laugh about all those things he did to torment you. [Reminds him of his past possible crush.] BS a bit more about other stuff. Then segue into the, "I got an email from my cousin..." line and describe your dilemma with him in the 3rd person. Ask him how you should respond? He may see your ploy and smile and jump you. If he sez the gay cousin should go for it, pause...stare deeply into his eyes, pause, pause... then say, "Friend's name, I'm my cousin and you are_________[him]. I've wanted to get it on with you since ___________. Wanna make out?"

Easy schmeezy! huh? I think I was a screenwriter for cheap gay boy/chick movies in a former life.

steevo in cali
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ps---damn, u write well. I know. I yam a teecher. lol

Straight Guy from NYC said...

Brilliant!

I am in a journey to read all the posts of your blog. Not in a hurry and really enjoying them.

That said... not sure what happened with this guy, but in principle I would stay away from writing awkward letters to women who hit balls for a leaving.