Thursday, January 6, 2011

Baby Jesus Was Wrapped In A Holborn Trench

I've been home on break and my mother has been unloading all the feelings about me she's been holding in since summer. She tells me I've gotten way too fat, I've failed this family by not having a job offer yet, and that I am a 7. Then she shoves a porkchop down my throat and tells me she loves me.

I got a trench coat for Christmas. I tried it on and my parents both agreed that I looked like an overstuffed sausage. I went to J.Crew to exchange it. Conversation is as follows:

Me: I got this trench in medium as a gift but I think it might be too small and I'd like to exchange it.
Worker: Put it on. Let me see.
Me:  :(
Worker: I think it looks fine. I mean, you are right at the cusp.
Me: Of being fat and skinny? :)
Worker: [no response]
Me: Maybe this will be motivation to lose some weight! :)
Worker: [no response]
Me: :(
Worker: You will have to go to Tysons Corner. That's the only place they have a size large [enough for you].

I wander around J. Crew in Tysons Corner looking for a larger casing for my sausage meat when this gorgeous prepster-chic worker comes up to me. He has beautiful up-swept brown hair and skinny jeans and a polka dotted bow-tie. He looks like a cross between Topher Grace and Pleakley from Lilo & Stitch. 

Me: narm narm narm narm narm.
Topher Grace / Pleakley: What kind of trench was it?
Me: narm?
Topher Grace / Pleakley: Was it this one right here? I believe we have a large.

I repossess my composure after stumbling all over my words and revealing that I am too fat for a medium by making jokes about my body.

Topher Grace / Pleakley: How does it fit?
Me: It's weird because I have absolutely no pecs and a big stomach.
Topher Grace / Pleakley: [backs away slowly]

Now he is convinced that my physical deformities are coupled with mental ones.

Topher Grace / Pleakley: Many of my clients prefer the slimmer silhouette and it looks like it fits your shoulders well. It's really only meant as a shell anyway.

Now it feels like he is Rachel Zoe trying to dress Gabourey Sidibe,

I grab the large, telling him that I am more likely to get fatter than get skinnier and stomp off. He doesn't get my pain. He doesn't sympathize. 

I am a small at Lacoste.


Anonymous said...

It's pretty bad in general (or good writing) that I get so much enjoyment from your misfortune.

I'm sorry? thank you? Post more.

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to TBA?

Mike said...

I wish my mom told me that I'm a 7, but without the pork chop. thank you. a 7 really isn't bad. tell your mom "hi".

(hey at least it counts as a comment!!)

dccised said...

Anon: he bought me a panda pillow pet today. i think i love him.

Mike: she was being very generous, methinks.

Mike said...

who knows...maybe she was drinking..

Anonymous said...

A+ post. You are awesome.