Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Gaffe To End All Gaffes

I diagnosed myself with ADHD after it was featured in an issue of Time and I crossed off all the symptoms on the checklist provided. I had considered getting a prescription for adderall but after bringing it up with my parents, they told me that only white people needed drugs to do well in school.

I didn't pay attention to the rest of my father's speech but the gist was this: If I couldn't focus in calculus without the aid of amphetamines, I would have to take this personal failure in stride and somehow live with myself for getting a B and shaming the family name.

In college I discovered the miracle of using my laptop during class. This actually did nothing to help me focus but at least I wasn't falling asleep in the middle of a lecture hall with my mouth open.

In fact, using a laptop only worsened my ADHD. I overstimulated my mind with sporcle quizzes and now I am completely dependent on them to stay awake. Without the adrenaline rush from trying to remember all the capitals of Africa in under 6 minutes, I feel impossibly bored and physically stifled, like my brain had become a black hole sucking every powerpoint presentation into a dark dimension and the intense gravitational pull was forcing my eyelids to close.

THE TRUTH IS I could have paid attention in my banking class. The topics are semi-interesting (somewhere between naked male celebs and the Huffington Post) and this is the field where I'm half-heartedly trying to get a job. But I stopped caring about all that after the first day when the cute boy sitting in front of me suddenly started to look like Paul Walker and then I HAD to Google all the films Paul Walker has been in.

Sometimes I will do things on my laptop so I feel like my lack of focus is in the name of productivity.
Answer all my emails. Pay all my rent. Clean up ALL THE desktop icons. So last Monday, I was taking pictures from my desktop that I had made for the last post and putting them in my "Super Secret Blog Folder." I was dragging images carefully one at a time to the top of the folder because the pictures at the bottom of the folder are porn. After dragging the last picture, the folder miraculously scrolled down to the bottom, revealing naked pictures of Paul Donahoe and a huge penis next to a bottle of Powerade.

It was only open for a second but I was sitting in the second row (behind Paul Walker) so pretty much everyone in the class (minus Paul Walker) probably saw it. And the issue isn't so much that I am annoyed that everyone in he classroom knows that I am gay, it's the fact that they all know I am obsessed with gay porn. Subtle, I know, yet important.

Two days later I had a presentation in that class about asset-backed securities. Inwardly, I was terrified that somebody would ask me a question at the end like, "Why do you have gay porn on your computer?" or "Are you a top or a bottom?"

They never did.

I'm not going to bring my laptop to class anymore. It would be impossible for me to focus on surfing the internet while thinking about all the people behind me who know about my wrestler/large penis fetish.


Aek said...

A laptop in class is a dangerous thing, for all the reasons you mentioned. The only time I bring my laptop to class (and open it) is if I have urgent emails to send and I don't want to pay attention to the lecturer anyway.

Eye said...

class is the only place where i can pay attention. If you tell me something about something and I know I have to learn it for a test I will pay attention, but if you're telling me about how you broke up with your boyfriend or the 20 reasons you love sandwiches I drift off. I guess I'm not well suited for social life, so I just use my laptop to "look busy" and avoid conversation.

Somehow people think that doing stuff in a computer is "work" when sometimes the only thing I'm doing is just finding a new way to re-arrange files or just delete old ones and look for others I deleted long ago.

And I'm under the impression someday someone will get my laptop and search every folder so I dont keep porn in it...

Paul Walker said...

Check out the movie Joyride (2001). I'm in the buff in one scene.

dccised said...

Well these are probably the strangest comments I've ever received.

Aek, Eye, and Paul said...


Mike said...

Interested in purchasing any peanut brittle ?

NICO said...

I bought a pair of vintage ray-bans off ebay in class for $52 that are currently shipping from like Serbia or some shit

Anonymous said...


Danny said...

Out of the 14 blogs I read this is first one that did not read like:

"Hey, super hot, buff, outgoing boy wonder here! I just had a threesome. Smoked some great shit and party every weekend! Yet I need to work through some emotional distress because my life sucks"

Oh and obviously all these guys blog about their sex life and every single one of them is a top.

Great blog, love the way you write, the way you are able to express your emotions.

I'd like to play scrabble with you and your friends!

I put you at the 9th post so all you other readers can thank me or better yet buy me stuff so I can try to fill that emotional abyss of mine with a artificial feeling of joy.

mike said...

happy holidays. and may god bless sarah palin and jesus.

Craig said...

Yes, judging from these comments,every one of your readers is quite peculiar.