Wednesday, September 1, 2010

If Anyone Asks, I'm White and I Love Kids

The good news is that my hometown is now famous. The bad news is that most news outlets are referring to it as "Silver Springs." Extremely rude.

A few posts back, a reader told me to embrace being Asian. The truth is that I woke up this morning ready to embrace Asia in my thin, yellow arms. After today's events, I am keeping it at arm's length. Regardless, somebody is going to blame me for all of this.

I actually know a guy named James Lee.

Among his demands is this jewel:

1. The Discovery Channel and it's affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots...Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution. A game show format contest would be in order...MAKE IT INTERESTING SO PEOPLE WATCH AND APPLY SOLUTIONS!!!!

This is delusional. The Discovery Channel will never be interesting. Even if lives depend on it.

Another notable demand is as follows:

10. Stop all shows glorifying human birthing on all your channels and on TLC.

This is a direct slight towards Kate Gosselin. Extremely rude.

Towards the end of his list of demands, he spirals into nonsensical ramble about dirty babies and furry animals. He loses the numbering scheme, but one of his last request manages to present a clear, intelligent point:

Saving the environment and the remaning species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels.

I prefer not to be associated with any of this.


Tommy said...

Be even more awful if he turns out to be gay...

soft nonsense said...

Of course, the squirrels.

If he came to Chicago, he would know that the squirrel population is here with a vengeance.

Oldyeller said...

My family home also was in Silver Spring (big deal) & it always was irritating when the media made it plural like the city in FL. You probably know (and could care less) that it got its name from a spring on the Blair family property that appeared to glint silver when the sun hit it. Its famous for Mrs. Kay's Toll House, its froggies, ants, and, of course, the squirrels.

Mike said...

I prefer not to be associated with any of this....

Not even saving the raccoons?