The Bicycle Diaries

Let me just say, that I have not ridden a bike since the 5th grade. And I have never ridden a bike with gears. So when Friend D sat me on this monster bike with 8 gears, I kind of yelped on the inside but I didn't say anything because I am a big strong man.

So the old phrase, "It's like riding a bike," is a big piece of shit by the way. Because I completely forgot how to ride a bike. The trail is very hilly and swervey and I am out of control the entire time. But I did not say anything because I am a big strong man.

And even as another biker approaches in the opposite direction, I tell myself, "Stay to the fucking right. Stay to the fucking right." And as the biker is about to pass me I find myself, quite suddenly, on the left side. And we crash.

If there's one thing that I learned from 15+ years of karate, it's to land on my feet. I guess the other guy didn't take karate because he landed flat on the ground with his bike on top of him. And after I apologize profusely and make sure that I didn't brake his neck, I look at his bike and realize that I transformed his front wheel into a pringle.

And through this entire ordeal, I am kind of at a loss for words (hard to believe, right?). As I just stand there, crying on the inside, Friend D runs along and starts gushing, "Can we offer to walk you back home?" "Can we offer to carry your bike?" And this is all well and good, but I am thinking, "Please don't offer to buy a new bike because I am kind of broke." She doesn't offer and he doesn't bring it up.

As we part ways, I ask him again if he is ok and he says that, "He's been in worse." And I can really appreciate the fact that he didn't yell at me or fucking sue me even though he was visibly pissed and very well could have. But if it's any consolation I feel incredibly bad about all this and part of me does want to buy him a new bike and a new life even if I have to sell one of my kidneys for it.

But that's not all...

On the way back, the bike trail intersects a busy road. Friend D decides to stop and thinks we should walk across because I've already proven myself to be incompetent. So we are at the pedestrian Xing and the car that's there stops for us. Funny thing is, the car behind it doesn't stop and actually shoves it's head up car #1's ass.

So in the span of one hour and during the duration of one bike ride, I am in one accident and cause another. And I would like to say that I can't believe this happened to me. But who am I kidding, I do believe it.