Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dressed Up In Love

When I read about other guys and their hookups, I wonder why they think it's a problem that they can't get guys to stop wanting to have sex with them. As I simmer in my pool of jealousy, I try to think logically. Well maybe you don't understand what it's like because you've never been in that type of situation. But that's ludicrous. Being a sexual object is pretty much my life's goal, considering my only other option is to die alone and obese, surrounded by cats. Am I going to be a real life 40 year-old virgin? Am I going to be so fat that they will have to bury me in a hollowed out grand piano? And this is all cause for concern. And even though I am keenly aware that sexual desperation does not look good on me, neither do rugby shirts, and that never stopped me from wearing them.

So what exactly do I have to do to whore myself out to the gays out there. I've got straight, white teeth. I've got abs. God, what else do they want from me? I cannot tell you how many times I stumbled drunkenly out of a bar and was completely vulnerable to any heartless man-izer who wanted to use my body and discard me the next morning. But of course, the only person that hits on me is this big creep who wants to feel my mohawk because, "it looks soft." And all I can do is reply, "I have to go to the bathroom", as I cry a little on the inside.

Maybe the fact that I'm not exactly out makes things a little more difficult. I shouldn't expect guys to be able to read my mind when I'm trying my hardest to act straight. But seriously, does nobody in this town have good enough gaydar to sense my readiness to make out with them in a bathroom stall?

Perhaps I'm being too passive about all of this and if I ever want to realize my lifelong dream of being a slut, I really have to take the initiative. Maybe I should get a bright pink t-shirt with "I Want Your Cock" printed in large black letters on the front. Because I think that would be a good look for me.

14 comments:

sean said...

don't get the shirt in pink. overdone. try lime green.

also, don't you go to college in dc? apex has college nights on thursdays so it's a total meat market. then again, i don't know the ratio of old, creepy guys to young, college boys at that club. don't let that stop you though. old people offer a lot to society.

but seriously, sophomore year's about to start, don't worry about it.

David said...

hey j, i enjoyed on IM convo last night. we sorta addressed these issues?

don't worry, you (probably) definitely won't end up a 40 year old virgin/old fat guy surround by cats.

btw, if we were in the same city and i saw you walking down the street, i'd surely be checking you out cuz let's face it, straight white teeth and nice abs are hawt.

much love *muah*!

David said...

by on i meant our... just making sure i don't come off as insane too early

London Preppy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
London Preppy said...

I like your attitude towards sex better than a promiscuous one

Aek said...

Poor grand piano, what a waste. You should trade cats for dogs. Some cats carry a parasite that can literally make you crazy if it gets into your body. Pink does not suit you, methinks.

In any case, I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would fall for you. Perhaps you have to flaunt that which you advertise here? ;)

Shane said...

Any colored shirt would do, doesn't have to be pink, per se` .
Worked-for-me
:)

Gemini's Life said...

Thank you soooooooooo much for writing again. It's very good to have you back, writing the thoughts that are in my head.

PoSeur said...

I enjoy your blog very much. But I wonder whether this:

"...to sense my readiness to make out with them in a bathroom stall?"

is part of your problem. Any half decent guy would expect at the *very least* an hourly motel. ;-)

Of course, I know you're kidding, because being 'that guy' who drops their pants at the first opportunity is surely not a reputation you want?

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Oh, you poor boy. Hooking up is really not that hard to do. But a club is not the most efficient environment. Email me if you need some pointers.

j said...

sean: since i'm still living a big lie, frolicking around in apex isn't really an option. too bad all the other DC clubs really truly suck.

david: i'll make sure our paths cross then.

lp: i can't imagine why you would

aek: as if im not already crazy without the cats.

shane: but the bright pink is so noticeable. and remember, im trying to cast as wide a net as possible here.

gemini: you're very welcome.

neighbors: your offer has me scared and excited.

j said...

poseur: thanks, i appreciate it! if the decent guys are so freaking high maintenance, i guess i'll have to settle with the dregs of society.

and yes, i want to be THE pants-dropper. even if it sounds irrational.

Kris said...

OMG, I can so relate on this one. I used to think this when I go out and I'd go home not having made out with anyone. I'm like WTF!!?

I'm sure others might want to get with you but maybe, they're scared they might get rejected. Shoot, I end up not talking to some guys when I'm out and about since I get all tensed up at times, and wouldn't even know what to say.

Perhaps you can initiate the convo next time, and see where it leads? Try not to worry about the outcome since it can lead to disappointment.

JUSTIN said...

I think most guys have a good if not great sense of confidence. It's all about the image you project. And why are you reluctant to check out gay clubs? If anyone sees you that you know, well, that's a pretty good way to strike up a conversation...