Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Phelps Schmelps

And because it's only fair to tell you guys about the goings on at work, that is what I will do. Today, Marat Safin touched my hand. I won't tell you the context, but just know that it happened. Fabio Fognini, a little-known Italian tennis player, flashed the strap of his red Calvin Klein jock during a changeover. And that was also a great moment for me.

Furthermore, I have good news and bad news about possibly-gay-underage-boy. First the good news. We were all sitting peacefully in the stadium when suddenly, Donna Summers's Last Dance comes on. This is when PGUB starts shaking his butt and singing along (how cute!). But seriously, how did he know the lyrics to that song? Because Last Dance is pretty much the gayest song I have ever heard in my entire life. So for the moment, that convinced me that PGUB and I had a future together. Now for the bad news. Later on, we were all watching the women's gymnastics final together when I think I heard PGUB say Nastia Liukin was hot. It was kind of like a Paris Hilton type, "omg that's hot," which is still kind of gay. But it was enough to plant a seed of suspicion in my mind. God I hope PGUB isn't reading this. It would be so embarrassing if he knew that I watch his every move in this borderline psychotic manner. But in case you are reading PGUB, none of this is about you and just pretend this entire paragraph doesn't exist.

Figure 1: Fabio Fognini

Next order of business. Michael Phelps won his 11th gold medal today and I couldn't care less. I am sick of staring at his retarded looking monkey face while everyone talks about his record breaking adventures. The fact that he gets all these medals does not really impress me because there are a ridiculous number of swimming events (17, actually) so he's bound to get a lot of medals. Even the very best soccer team, baseball team, basketball team, tennis player will only get one medal, no matter what. Furthermore, I've always found swimming to be one of the easiest sports in the Olympics. You jump in the pool, splash around for 58 seconds, and then you get a gold medal. Not anything like gymnastics, where you have to spend the whole night flipping and tumbling and twisting and jumping. So long story short, the fact that Phelps has all these medals does not make him the greatest Olympian of all time. And has everyone forgotten his arrest for underage DUI? I can't wait for him to fade back into obscurity, which will inevitably happen one week after the games are over.


Zee said...

I hope you are joking because if you aren't it shows you total incompetency. I would like to see you try what he does. Compare what he has done with other swimmers. It is crazy. You really can't just compare other to other sports.

By the way, don't diss his looks. He isn't that bad.

I know you want to seem like a non-conformist but really you just seem like a whiny prick.

j said...

zee: am i an olmypic swimmer? no. but does that mean i can't call out this bullshit? no. jenny thompson has 12 career medals in swimming. 8 of them gold.

David said...

pgub still seems really gay :P maybe you have a chance with him!

phelps IS odd looking, but he's not ugly. look at his bod! brown bag it XD

for all it counts, i don't think you're a "whiny prick" <3

David said...

ps: if safin touched my hand i woulda jizzed my pants. jk, but really :P

yes i know i'm vulgar

Shane said...

K is it wrong that I'm more 'zoned into' the cat fight ^


j said...

david: i don't think phelps is ugly per se. he just has a goofy looking face that makes him seem like an unlikely "american hero." i can't even imagine how popular he would be if he looked more like aaron piersol.

shane: not at all. i'm sorry it was so short-lived.

steevo said...


Your use of the term retarded in this post...

"I am sick of staring at his retarded looking monkey face..." quite offensive to me as a teacher who works with people with mental retardation.

Call him an asshole, ugly,whatever. But do you enjoy hearing "That Phelps (or car or shirt or watch) is so GAY" as a pejorative? People with mental retardation are similarly hurt my callous bigoted senseless language.

It's fine to criticize celebrities all you want, I have NP with that at all! They step on the stage and it goes with the territory, but what person with mental retardation deserves to be used as a way to demean someone?

David said...

steevo's got a good point. i have relatives with mental disabilities and it's no laughing matter. i know you didn't mean anything bad by using the word "retarded" but think about the context next time you want to use it. peace

David said...

btw it's kinda like calling an asian person "chink". :/

j said...

words inevitably take on different connotations. i think people who are offended by an "insult" so indirect should really grow some tougher skin. it's unreasonable for a person to have to watch every single word they use in fear of offending somebody. if i used the word "ugly", wouldn't i be offending everyone who is facially challenged?

and how do you all know i didn't mean "retarded" in the literal sense, in that his face seems marked by abnormal development?

steevo said...

u r not as smart as u think... the term retarded in no way applies to Phelps.

And what u sed was hardly indirect. i think people who are offended by an "insult" so indirect should really grow some tougher skin. it's unreasonable for a person to have to watch every single word they use in fear of offending somebody.

In no way do I expect u to watch every single word u use. But when we get together with our Asian American friends nobody uses chink or gook or slope head, especially an Asian.

You just don't seem to get it, j. Language counts. Little gay bois growing up hearing _fag_ and _gay_ used to demean/insult anything will likely be damaged psychologically.

I told you that I have first hand personal experience dealing with the fallout when some of my students hear _retarded_ or _tard_ used in place of _bad_. I have wiped many a tear, literally.

Would you want yer 3 little precious children to grow up listening to everybody saying "That is so fuckin asian!"? Oh yeah, they just need some tougher skin. "...Stop crying little j jr. You sound like a damn sissy fagot." NP, right?

grow up FFS!

j said...

actually i have heard "gay" and "asian" used negatively around me all my life. but i don't let it phase me, let alone damage me psychologically. and while i am all for creating a perfect utopia, full of political correctness, for our children, it'll never happen. so stop being so goddamn sensitive and grow up yourself.

g.t. said...

It's awesome that you didn't back down when steevo tried to tell you what you can and can't say.

Fucking hypocritical facists trying to control other people...I think they're trying to make themselves feel better about the shit they say, think and do.

Phelps does look retarded. He actually looks like a retarded person. Anyone who takes that as a slur must have a problem with retarded people or how they look.

Nobody would be offended if you said that he looked like a Swede, because they all think that's some great compliment.

Jeff said...

i find it funny that you think phelps has a retarded monkey looking face, but nadal doesn't... they are both pretty gross :-P