Sunday, September 14, 2008

BFF... exclusions apply

Even I can recognize that my insecurity manifests itself in strange ways. Rather than becoming a timid tree squirrel who wallows in self pity, I try my hardest to pretend I am hot shit and I lash out at everyone who I suspect disagrees. Sometimes people mistake the way I act as cockiness, but this tower of confidence is crumbling on the inside.

The worst product of my insecurity is how jealous I get. It starts with my inability to hear somebody else getting compliments. The other day, Roommate 1 was talking to me about how funny my Friend F is, and this just put me in a really bad mood. For some reason, I just can't accept that somebody on this planet could be funnier than me, (or better than me in any way). I want everyone to talk about how great I am. I want everyone to be my friend. And I want everyone to hate each other. Because when people start complimenting each other, they've stopped complimenting you. And I was raised to believe that if you aren't the best, then you're nothing.

So Roommate 1 has been talking to me about partying with Friend F again some time. And each time he brings it up I get a little hurt. All I can imagine is them becoming fast friends and forgetting about me. And I jokingly brought it up with Friend F and he laughed at me and called me paranoid. But my fears aren't irrational because this kind of things happens to me all the time. I introduce two of my friends to each other and they end up running off together into the sunset while I try and figure out what I did wrong.

This is all very difficult to explain and I've done a terrible job of doing it. But long story short, I just feel extremely threatened when the love I receive isn't exclusive. I get this strange feeling that I'm going to be rejected and abandoned any minute. And it's probably because I didn't get enough love in my childhood. But there's nothing I can do about it now, now can I?

All of this would be irrelevant if I had a boyfriend that loved me completely, fully, exhaustively, and exclusively. But this boyfriend doesn't exist. And there's nothing I can do about that either.

3 comments:

David said...

in regards to the bf, or lack thereof, people can't read minds! sure, you may dress a little "metro" now and then. hate to break it to you but unless you meet someone who has very good intuition or is very observant, chances are you'll be single for awhile. of course, waiting that long would be worth it.

sean said...

You just put all the right words to how I feel, too.

j said...

david: lies. i never dress metro.

sean: we lead parallel lives, actually.