Phelps Schmelps

And because it's only fair to tell you guys about the goings on at work, that is what I will do. Today, Marat Safin touched my hand. I won't tell you the context, but just know that it happened. Fabio Fognini, a little-known Italian tennis player, flashed the strap of his red Calvin Klein jock during a changeover. And that was also a great moment for me.

Furthermore, I have good news and bad news about possibly-gay-underage-boy. First the good news. We were all sitting peacefully in the stadium when suddenly, Donna Summers's Last Dance comes on. This is when PGUB starts shaking his butt and singing along (how cute!). But seriously, how did he know the lyrics to that song? Because Last Dance is pretty much the gayest song I have ever heard in my entire life. So for the moment, that convinced me that PGUB and I had a future together. Now for the bad news. Later on, we were all watching the women's gymnastics final together when I think I heard PGUB say Nastia Liukin was hot. It was kind of like a Paris Hilton type, "omg that's hot," which is still kind of gay. But it was enough to plant a seed of suspicion in my mind. God I hope PGUB isn't reading this. It would be so embarrassing if he knew that I watch his every move in this borderline psychotic manner. But in case you are reading PGUB, none of this is about you and just pretend this entire paragraph doesn't exist.


Figure 1: Fabio Fognini

Next order of business. Michael Phelps won his 11th gold medal today and I couldn't care less. I am sick of staring at his retarded looking monkey face while everyone talks about his record breaking adventures. The fact that he gets all these medals does not really impress me because there are a ridiculous number of swimming events (17, actually) so he's bound to get a lot of medals. Even the very best soccer team, baseball team, basketball team, tennis player will only get one medal, no matter what. Furthermore, I've always found swimming to be one of the easiest sports in the Olympics. You jump in the pool, splash around for 58 seconds, and then you get a gold medal. Not anything like gymnastics, where you have to spend the whole night flipping and tumbling and twisting and jumping. So long story short, the fact that Phelps has all these medals does not make him the greatest Olympian of all time. And has everyone forgotten his arrest for underage DUI? I can't wait for him to fade back into obscurity, which will inevitably happen one week after the games are over.

Malebait

So as the number of readers decreases exponentially, so does my enthusiasm for this blog. But since I'm technically blogging for myself and this is all supposed to be an outlet for my emotions and this is not a desperate cry for attention, I will continue blogging even while my readership quickly approaches zero as x approaches infinity.

As if my mood wasn't fragile enough, I start off my weekend by getting towed in Georgetown on Friday afternoon. If I hadn't spent so much fucking time in fucking Lacoste all of this could have been avoided. Instead, I return to my spot, where I find an empty spot. So naturally, I throw up my hands to the sky and start bawling in the middle of street. Eventually, I find a "parking officer" who is basically the nicest government worker I have ever met in my entire life. We'll call him Guardian Angel from now on. So Guardian Angel takes the description of my car and then drives around the neighborhood until he finds exactly where my car is parked and then I almost ask Guardian Angel to drive me there but I feel like that oversteps the boundaries of our relationship. So I walk the 15 or so blocks. It probably could have been done in 10, but I'm inefficient.

Saturday, I went to ______________ Tennis Center, a place I work every summer. There, I see the same cute guy who has been working there just as long as I have. He's about 3-4 years younger than me so he makes me feel like a pedophile, but that's ok. He's got a great body and plays lacrosse so he makes me feel sexually frustrated, but that's ok too. Anyway, the past few years he was always very quiet so we never talked and I just admired him from afar / behind the water cooler. But I talked to him a bit today and I discovered something kind of incredible. He is incredibly gay. He didn't actually come out and say it but they way he talked and the things he said kind of gave it away. So, I'm kind of deciding whether or not I should throw him in the backseat of my car and violate him or play it cool and friend him on Facebook. What do you guys think?



Also, if he is 15-16 and I am 18-19 would having sex with him land me in jail? I think I would like to avoid that.

Little Bitch, Bro

Thursday afternoon, I go all they way to Capitol Hill for lunch in an effort to make lunch as big of a deal as possible. Capitol Hill is an area that has been completely gentrified in recent years and it's become quite pretentious. So I wear my yellow Ralph Lauren oxford shirt with my white Banana Republic chinos and I believe that is enough to disguise myself amongst the yuppies.

We end up going to Goodstuff Eatery despite the big crowd of tourists in hopes that the owner, Spike from Top Chef, is there. Initially, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't actually a sit down restaurant but more of an upscale fast food kind of place. I was even more annoyed that they were only letting two people in at a time and making everyone else stand in line outside; I almost got rained on! But all that melted away when Spike walked down the stairs and brushed against my arm on his way to the open kitchen area. Let me just say, Spike was easily the most attractive guy from season 4 (yummy alternative type) and I always had an inkling that he was gay. Also, I was thoroughly convinced that he and Andrew D'Ambrosi were having casual gay sex on the side, but I'm pretty sure that was just me.

So I tried to take pictures of him on my camera phone without him noticing. Everyone else does it, it can't be that hard. But I am not sneaky at all and he noticed me immediately and looked right at me. I smiled. He smiled. The wedding date is set for August 9th, 2008. You are all invited.

I would love to post the pictures that I took but I have no idea how to transfer them from my phone to the computer. So you all will have to make do with these.


Figure 1: Cute


Figure 2: Inside Goodstuff

The Glass Slipper

Last night daddy told mommy in secrecy that he thinks I am spoiled. First thing this morning, mommy tells me. I don't know why he thought it wouldn't get back to me. Mommy is basically a Gossip Girl and the dynamic of my family is that of a group of middle schoolers anyway. Next thing you know, we're going to be fighting over the same guy and going out to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

But back to the point, I find it ridiculous that daddy thinks I'm spoiled. All my life, I have never asked him for anything. This is mostly because I know he'll say no, but it's also because I've grown up under the impression that if I want something, I should either get it myself or keep it to myself. So I'm basically Cinderella, relegated to doing menial household chores all day, waiting for my Prince to come along and buy me an HP special edition laptop in ceramic white.

And like Cinderella, I have Sister. And she is not evil, but she does have big feet and I think this is all very ironic because if anybody is spoiled, it's her. But daddy can't recognize that because daddy loves Sister more than he loves me and he always will. After struggling with it for a while, I think I've come to terms with the fact that she is daddy's favorite. But what still bothers me is the reason why she is the favorite. Because she went to _________ University. A school that people back home in Taiwan recognize. A school that daddy's friends find very impressive. A school shrouded in strange mystical powers. A school that U.S. News & World Report believes is better than mine.

There are so many things that I have done and can do. But none of that matters because daddy has made up his mind about me. I don't make him proud so I might as well not exist. I get the impression that mommy sometimes feels the need to defend daddy and his dismissive nature. She tells me how much he loves me and this is true because, "he paid for your violin lessons didn't he?" Well, I may not have ever been loved by somebody, but I've got a good idea what it's like. When you're loved, you should feel it. And when I'm with daddy, I don't feel anything.

It would take an idiot not to anticipate all the people who will try to chime in and say, "You should give him a chance", "He cares about more than just __________ University", and "I'm sure he loves you deep down." You are all wrong. Nobody knows my father better than I do. Granted, maybe I am wrong for being just as dismissive as he is and painting him as some sort of evil stepfather. But if the shoe fits...

The other night, we went out to dinner as part of a month long celebration of Sister's graduation from __________ University. Halfway through the dinner, daddy turned to Sister and said, "You have brought so much happiness to me." Then he looked at me, but didn't have anything to say.

Homebody

So on Monday night I find out that because of scheduling changes due to the Olympics, Nadal won't take over the number one spot until later this month. For those of you that were bored with my short bout of happiness, worry not. I am back to being miserable.

Monday morning I go to _________ Mall and immediately find my way into J.Crew because I won't pretend to be a fashionista but I do enjoy looking like I just walked off of a yacht in Nantucket. And to achieve that effect, J.Crew is the place. As I weigh the pros and cons of buying two vintage polos for 60 USD, a sales associate walks by, stares at me, and doesn't offer any help. Normally, I would be thankful because I hate how forward sales associates are and I really don't understand how they think they could ever help me sort out all of my issues, but I've come to expect that they would at least try. Anyway, this sales associate totally snubs me. Oh, and he is gay. I could tell because as he talked to the other customers, he used words like "totally" and "fabulous" and his voice sounded a little bit like Christian Siriano's. I don't usually find these kind of guys attractive but this sales associate was just too cute in his red chinos and green sweater. Please come over here sales associate and help me try off my clothes. What's with me and sales associates? Maybe I'm just scheming to get that 10% discount.

Inside the store, there is a size 2 woman with her two babies in tow trying on jackets and she only reminds me how badly I want a family of my own someday. I want to take my babies to J.Crew and dress them in expensive little people clothing and bring them home to my husband to show him what we bought and where his money is going. Just a few years ago, I thought that kids were nothing but annoying little poop machines without enough sense not to suffocate themselves with plastic bags. But I guess my biological clock is trying to tell me something.

I suppose there are a good number of gay guys who choose never to have families and never get married. It's a valid lifestyle choice and it's not like their only other option is to spend their lives in utter loneliness drinking whiskey out of the bottle and watching Liza with a Z over and over and over. In all fairness, gays should be the last people to judge other gays. But I feel like guys who choose to get married and move to the suburbs and adopt little Chinese babies (or make their own babies in test tubes) get a bad rep within the gay community. It seems as though homebodies are seen as fools trying desperately to fit into a "straight culture" that doesn't welcome them. But I don't see it that way at all. When I move to New England and feed my kids wheaties and put up a white picket fence around my house, it won't be because I am trying to fulfill society's expectations for me. It will be because wanting a family of my own is the one thing in my life that I am absolutely sure of.


Figure 1: Couple from New York Times Magazine's article about gay marrieds

Number One

Figure 1 : Rafael Nadal and Fernando Verdasco. Awwwww.

When the new rankings come out tomorrow, Rafael Nadal will be number one. I am overcome with joy because I'm living my dreams of being a tennis professional through him. Also, I am quite glad Roger Federer's reign is over. Never really liked him anyway.

In my opinion, Nadal was always the best player on the tour. He's got so much tenacity and drive. The explosive way he plays makes men's tennis actually bearable to watch. (Normally I find it kind of boring.) His cute face and huge arms help too. Federer may have more talent and finesse, but it never seems like he is trying that hard. He just moseys around the court with a matter-of-fact attitude. So hooray for Nadal! He definitely deserves this.

Now I'm just waiting for Venus Williams to take over the number one spot on the women's side. Ok, she kind of sucks everywhere except Wimbledon. But I don't think anybody can beat her when she is at her best. Except, of course, her little sister. I also believe that everyone in the top ten other than the Williams sisters are extremely over-ranked (but I guess that happens when each slam goes to a different girl). I also also believe that the Williams are the only two people on the women's side with personality. Sure Ana and Maria are beautiful, but they seem kind of dead on the inside. I wonder why I don't relate.

Just Curious

I am going to interpret the lack of response for my last post as a sign of resounding agreement. And I am completely satisfied with that explanation. Yesterday night I went to McDonald's at about 11:00pm and I don't care if you guys think it's unhealthy to eat at McDonald's/eat that late at night/eat at all. I happen to think McDonald's is pretty delicious and the grilled chicken sandwich is relatively healthy and I am only young once. And I am completely satisfied with that explanation.

But as I was munching on my fries, ignoring my friends, staring at a cute guy munching on his own fries, I began to wonder something. This guy seems totally straight, but would he be willing to experiment with me in the restroom? Just how many guys are straight but curious? And if so, how can you ever know if they are curious? Would you risk being completely forward with every straight guy you meet? What if one turns out to be a homophobic serial killer who beats you to death with a shovel?

One of the biggest issues I have with being gay is that finding other people who are gay is so goddamn difficult. If you are straight, it is pretty safe to say that any old girl you see on the street could be a potential mate. But if you are gay, how can you know who to go after? I guess this is a bigger problem for me because I am attracted to guys who act straight/ look straight/ are straight and those kind of guys blend in so well with the rest of the "normal" society. It's almost like they are real human beings.

I think a brilliant solution to all of this is to create some sort of clearly visible way of identifying a person's sexual orientation upon first glance. Perhaps all gays should get tattoos on our arms that say, "FAG". All straight but curious people should get tattoos on their arms that say, "I'm willing to fool around but will only let you fuck me if you get me extremely drunk and exploit my emotional insecurities." And all straight guys who are totally uninterested in men should die. And I am completely satisfied with this idea.