It's My Diet and I'll Die If I Want To

On day three of the summer diet of 2009, I have officially lost 6 lbs. These results are encouraging. I am beginning to see the benefits of starving myself until I pass out in a heap on the ground at which point I eat a single peanut and one baby corn. But the initial weight loss is always rapid. The next 14 lbs will be the true test of my willpower, my determination, and my desire to be loved for my body as opposed to my personality. And the last 10 lbs will be easy because at that point I will have lost so much of my brain mass and my soul that I won't understand the feeling of hunger anymore. I will smile when that day comes.

I tell j-girl about the summer diet of 2009. I seem ridiculous because as I am telling her, we are eating fried risotto balls, drinking caipirinhas, and waiting for our pizza. She tells me I am ridiculous and says that if I lost 30 lbs I would be nothing. Her logic is flawed; she fails to notice that I am nothing already. Losing 30 lbs will actually make me something. Vogue Japan will make me something. She ignores this and suggests that we get Larry's Ice Cream. This is her effort to sabotage the summer diet of 2009. It works. Actually no, I can probably purge tonight's meal in the restaurant's bathroom or a trashcan on the way home. I immediately scan the premises for the bathroom or suitable trashcans.

Inside Larry's, a few guys at the tables are staring at me. I wish they wouldn't look at me until I've lost 30 lbs and gotten my hair cut, but they persist. And then the guy behind the counter tells me I have a sexy voice. This is too much. I have never been so insulted in my life. I grab j-girl. We have to leave.