Saturday, June 20, 2009

It's My Diet and I'll Die If I Want To

On day three of the summer diet of 2009, I have officially lost 6 lbs. These results are encouraging. I am beginning to see the benefits of starving myself until I pass out in a heap on the ground at which point I eat a single peanut and one baby corn. But the initial weight loss is always rapid. The next 14 lbs will be the true test of my willpower, my determination, and my desire to be loved for my body as opposed to my personality. And the last 10 lbs will be easy because at that point I will have lost so much of my brain mass and my soul that I won't understand the feeling of hunger anymore. I will smile when that day comes.

I tell j-girl about the summer diet of 2009. I seem ridiculous because as I am telling her, we are eating fried risotto balls, drinking caipirinhas, and waiting for our pizza. She tells me I am ridiculous and says that if I lost 30 lbs I would be nothing. Her logic is flawed; she fails to notice that I am nothing already. Losing 30 lbs will actually make me something. Vogue Japan will make me something. She ignores this and suggests that we get Larry's Ice Cream. This is her effort to sabotage the summer diet of 2009. It works. Actually no, I can probably purge tonight's meal in the restaurant's bathroom or a trashcan on the way home. I immediately scan the premises for the bathroom or suitable trashcans.

Inside Larry's, a few guys at the tables are staring at me. I wish they wouldn't look at me until I've lost 30 lbs and gotten my hair cut, but they persist. And then the guy behind the counter tells me I have a sexy voice. This is too much. I have never been so insulted in my life. I grab j-girl. We have to leave.

10 comments:

Formysake said...

To be loved for my body, rather than my personality. This is my new goal in life.

By far the best reason I've ever heard for going to the gym, or turning myself into a manorexic these past few months.

FMS

Aek said...

That's some serious "dieting" eh? I'm just depressed enough to try it.

David said...

6 lbs in 3 days can't be too healthy...

but at his point i guess you don't really care? hah

try some lemon water for a week. i hear it does miracles and i'm thinking about doing it myself :3

Allen said...

Try Vicodin and wet toilet paper... no joke.

goleftatthefork said...

"my desire to be loved for my body as opposed to my personality" - I love that - secretly we all have this desire, don't we?

Brian said...

I love you because that is precisely how I respond to that kind of attention. Today some guy gave me a once over, and I felt so insulted.

Anonymous said...

I'm lost? Why did you feel insulted when he said you had a sexy voice?

Random Thinker said...

you're hilarious...

wish i'd run into you in dc sometime just to observe you in person...

and of course, perhaps hear your voice as well.

Anna said...

you do know you'll probably gain the weight back soon ...

but WOW i cant starve myself like that :)

mstpbound said...

yahahaha i love this post. i totally hear you. dieting all the waaaaaay....ugh but it is so hard in med school where you have to eat to stay awake... :/