Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Thanks for your continued support

After writing my last post, I was overcome with a sense of nostalgia. So I combed through old comments looking for bitchy remarks and more importantly, situations where retrospect has given me the upper hand. Needless to say, it was a mistake to rehash some of those old wounds and I probably spent the better part of an hour crying naked in the bathtub with the water running and the curtains drawn. But I did stumble across this gem:

Hey man, I just started reading your blog. Don't worry you are actually a pretty good writer.

This comment seemed to come unprovoked, which only furthered my righteous anger. The phrase "Don't worry" is used because he thinks his opinion, which he no doubt arrived at in 5 minutes, will make me feel better. The word "actually" is used because after 5 minutes, he already knows that neither he nor I have any faith in my ability to write or function at all as a human being. The word "pretty" is used because he doesn't really think I'm a good writer at all.

And it is somewhat insulting that he thinks a lukewarm response like that will make me feel better about myself. Wait, it's insulting that he took my self-deprecation seriously. And it's all very ironic because after visiting his blog, I came to my own 5 minute realization that he is actually a pretty terrible writer. Maybe the fact that he thinks I'm pretty good should make me feel even worse. Maybe that was his intention all along...

Speaking of pillars of support, mommy took one look at me today and said, "Fatty. You're fat. Don't get fatter." Of course this was in Chinese, but I feel as though her comments have lost very little potency in translation.

As a response, the summer diet of 2009 has commenced. I plan on losing 30 lbs by July 11. I want to be so skinny that I look like I'm dying. And when people ask me what the hell happened, I will tell them that mommy locked me in a cage all summer and deprived me of life's necessities: food, sunlight, cable television. And maybe when I'm that skinny, Vogue Japan will ask me to do an editorial spread for them. No doubt, one of the reader comments will read, "Fatty. You're fat. Don't get fatter." But this time, in Japanese.

11 comments:

Aek said...

I need to lose 30 lbs. :-/

Tristan said...

Lee pace from Pushing Daisies is a hottie!

David said...

LOL.

Random Thinker said...

your mom reminds me of mine... except mine has altzheimers and doesn't recognize me as the adult i am, but the child from grammar school... so her "my god, you got big" comments relate to a 13 year old, not the middle aged me that i am today (with all the related metabolizm changes too).

embrace the fact that your mom at least knows who you are - and that there's more of you to love!

j said...

can i just make it clear that i am not fat and there is, in fact, very little of me to love

goleftatthefork said...

Hey man, I have been reading your blog for a while. I really like your writing. Hope that was sufficiently unambiguous.

Anna said...

so how much do you weigh in kilograms?

LordNelson said...

No more sugar for you today I think.

Anna said...

"Hey man, I just started reading your blog. Don't worry you are actually a pretty good writer"

i think thats rather a compliment

Elle said...

Just 'discovered' your blog and must say I think you are hilarious and your writing is really good. Having said that I have only read 3 posts and there is potential for that evaluation to change...not that I think it will.

TED said...

I am unimpressed by your goal of thirty pounds. Looking unhealthy is not enough: you need to look like a concentration camp survivor, so go for fifty pounds. If you get close but aren't quite there, there's always amputation.