After writing my last post, I was overcome with a sense of nostalgia. So I combed through old comments looking for bitchy remarks and more importantly, situations where retrospect has given me the upper hand. Needless to say, it was a mistake to rehash some of those old wounds and I probably spent the better part of an hour crying naked in the bathtub with the water running and the curtains drawn. But I did stumble across this gem:
Hey man, I just started reading your blog. Don't worry you are actually a pretty good writer.
This comment seemed to come unprovoked, which only furthered my righteous anger. The phrase "Don't worry" is used because he thinks his opinion, which he no doubt arrived at in 5 minutes, will make me feel better. The word "actually" is used because after 5 minutes, he already knows that neither he nor I have any faith in my ability to write or function at all as a human being. The word "pretty" is used because he doesn't really think I'm a good writer at all.
And it is somewhat insulting that he thinks a lukewarm response like that will make me feel better about myself. Wait, it's insulting that he took my self-deprecation seriously. And it's all very ironic because after visiting his blog, I came to my own 5 minute realization that he is actually a pretty terrible writer. Maybe the fact that he thinks I'm pretty good should make me feel even worse. Maybe that was his intention all along...
Speaking of pillars of support, mommy took one look at me today and said, "Fatty. You're fat. Don't get fatter." Of course this was in Chinese, but I feel as though her comments have lost very little potency in translation.
As a response, the summer diet of 2009 has commenced. I plan on losing 30 lbs by July 11. I want to be so skinny that I look like I'm dying. And when people ask me what the hell happened, I will tell them that mommy locked me in a cage all summer and deprived me of life's necessities: food, sunlight, cable television. And maybe when I'm that skinny, Vogue Japan will ask me to do an editorial spread for them. No doubt, one of the reader comments will read, "Fatty. You're fat. Don't get fatter." But this time, in Japanese.