It's Like An Episode of The Bachelor

After running some errands this afternoon I came back to my apartment and was about to fall asleep when Tall Blonde Alcoholic called me and asked if he could come over to hang out. I immediately pried myself out of bed to get ready so that I didn't look like a complete monster when he got here.

We spent a few hours drinking beer, eating popcorn, and watching Behind the Music: Pink while we sat next to each other on the couch. We were close enough for me to smell his body, admire his tight fitting kakhis, and send my heart beating. But not close enough to feel satisfied.

Average Brown Quarter-Asian comes to my apartment too, mostly because she knows Tall Blonde Alcoholic is there. We take tequila shots. For them, it's typical college fun. For me, this marks the beginning of a substance abuse pattern.

After the first shot, Average Brown Quarter-Asian feels as though she can blame her behavior on the alcohol. So she proceeds to throw herself on Tall Blonde Alcoholic. She touches his arms and chest repeatedly. Not enough to feel satisfied, but enough to send her heart beating. At the end of the night, Tall Blonde Alcoholic is lying on the floor of my apartment and Average Brown Quarter-Asian is sitting next to him, equally smashed, stroking his hair. This is fun for me.

Average Brown Quarter-Asian gets a call from one of her friends asking her to come to a party. It's already 4am and she asks if we would want to go with her or would rather just go to sleep. Tall Blonde Alcoholic gets up off the ground and says to me, "I'm only going if you are going." I decide not to go.

He asks me to walk him back to his dorm. I wasn't sure if this was an invitation to make out in his dorm room or if he was just being annoying, so I said no. He then asks if he can sleep in my apartment for the night. He says it like a joke and I don't want to seem like an eager homo so I say no to that too. I find out later that he goes back to the party that Average Brown Quarter-Asian went to. This is fun for me.

At this point, Average Brown Quarter-Asian and I are in direct competition for Tall Blonde Alcoholic's affection. Obviously she has the upper hand, because it is more acceptable for her to force herself on him in public places in various states of undress.