Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What Happens in Salisbury, Stays in Salisbury

As we stood at the side of the beach house in pitch black and silence, Average Brown Quarter-Asian and I searched desperately for something sympathetic to say. Even in total darkness, I could see the tears in Tall Blonde Alcoholic's eyes and I wanted to hug him and reassure him and take off his pants.

But as much as he was shaken by what he was revealing, I was shocked by what I was hearing and found myself unable to provide any sort of meaningful words of support aside from, "It's cool man, you're cool."
Because even though I've suspected Tall Blonde Alcoholic to be gay for at least two years now, (and though my gaydar has yet to fail me), there is nothing quite like the bombshell of hearing somebody say, "I am gay," or in this case, "I'm not exactly straight."

So while Average Brown Quarter-Asian stood there, quietly interpreting his statement and considering her options, I too weighed in on what this could possibly mean. I thought to ask, "So on the Kinsey scale of 0 to 6, where would you place yourself," or "If I were naked in a room and Megan Fox was naked in the same room, what would you do?" But in an effort to remain sensitive, I refrained.

And after a sufficient period of awkward silence, Tall Blonde Alcoholic said, "I understand if you hate me and don't want to be my friend anymore." At this point, Average Brown Quarter-Asian and I jumped in with a chorus of "NOOOOO" and "Are you kidding?" Because all in all, Tall Blonde Alcoholic played this well. He picked all the right words to finally make me think I have a chance and make Average Brown Quarter-Asian believe there is hope for her too.

So as Tall Blonde Alcoholic continued by telling us how much it kills him to be different and judged by everyone, (and I pretended that this was the first time I've considered such foreign concepts), I noticed Average Brown Quarter-Asian inching closer and closer to him, trying to offer emotional but mostly physical support. And at that point, I knew that the race was far from over.

And all I can remember thinking was, "This sobbing mess of a boy will be mine if it's the last thing I do."


Anonymous said...

I love how something so serious (for him anyways) you can still turn into something so matter factly "well, if Megan Fox was in the room..."

I think this revelation is proof that you got Average Brown Quarter-Asian beat. Its only a matter of time for you, lol.

Best of Luck

Anonymous said...

I know this won't make for good writing, but be kind and gentle with this guy. How you treat someone in the stages of coming out will greatly reflect his like/dislike of you, and the last thing you want to come off as is a sexual opportunist preying on the vulnerable. Well, that is if you want to maintain a good, long and healthy relationship with this guy. I s'pose if you just want fleeting sexual pleasure it won't matter, but hey, let's be good to each other. Gay life is hard enough as is!

LordNelson said...

Good to see you had his (apparently carnal) needs at the forefront of your mind.

Aek said...

Ah man, poor Tall Blonde Alcoholic. Does he know the two people in front of him are only looking to get into his pants (somehow)?

At any rate, at least you KNOW you have a shot now. You just have to be the better and closer friend, and you win. :)

I hope he's doing alright after all that. Maybe he shouldn't drink quite so much anymore.

David said...

it's good you refrained from saying much. let him talk as much/as little as he wants.

best of luck, but remember, he's probably fragile at this point so be gentle :)

Straight Guy from New York said...

Does the Average Brown Quarter-Asian have a blog too?

I'd love to read her take on this.

Should we cruise among gay blogs from DC to check whether Tall Blonde Alcoholic is telling his angle too?

What if he stumbles into this blog and reads it? I wonder whether DC Cised modifies some of the descriptions to protect the main actors.

Or is part of this blog written with the subconscious hope to get caught and revealed?

Anonymous said...

i don't know who all these people are who are like, "be gentle with him." He wants to bone too. So go nuts!

alex said...

what happened?! you cant leave us with such a cliffhanger! is there a Season 2?

Anonymous said...

welcome to my fucking life. you should start charging.