Thursday, September 3, 2009

Love, In All The Wrong Places

By pure coincidence, my old roommate and the Tall Blond Alcoholic live in the same hall in rooms across from each other. God likes to torment me in this way and the only way I survive is by believing that He will pay me back in a big way. This is the old roommate who finds me repulsively unattractive but manages to get me into his bed every other night. This is the Tall Blond Alcoholic that I suspect might be gay and that I harbor lonely-gay-boy feelings for. Feelings that, by definition, should not be taken too seriously.

I live halfway across campus and am completely unaware of what goes on between the two of them in that hall. Sometimes, when I have nothing better to think about, I seethe over the idea that they are probably eating dinner together, working on homework together, or having casual and surreptitious sex.

Last time I hooked up with my old roommate, I accidentally left my shirt in his room. Since I was watching Top Chef in the Tall Blond Alcoholic's room today, I asked him if I could walk across the hall and get my shirt back. He told me to wait in the bathroom for him to hand me the shirt because people in the hall already suspect that I am gay and he doesn't want to be seen.

Several things bother me about what he said.

1) The fact that they suspect me.

2) The fact that they suspect me and not him.

3) The fact that he is embarrassed to be seen with me.

4) I am not even gay.

It is hurtful that my old roommate will use me to get off but can just discard me to protect his reputation. A reputation that is not that great to begin with, which only adds insult to my injuries. And I'm disappointed that he threw me under the bus instead of manning up and being true to himself. Though I'm not really one to talk.

So I left the room of the boy who will never open up to me to pick up my shirt in the bathroom from the boy who will never appreciate me. And I prayed to God that He can pay me back by giving me the strength to stay the hell away from this hall.


Anonymous said...

yeah, you can thank vb for the uptick in traffic... I spent a couple hours the other day running through some of these entries, certainly sounds like some of the things I went through a few years back (albeit told in a much more entertaining fashion).

pieces of advice, if we are anything like each other:

1) it has been unusually easy to turn to masturbation to avoid the drama that comes with (gay) dating

2) as a fellow AA - tell your parents. you can wait till you move out, but ya gotta tell them eventually. AA parents have a way of being understanding in the least expected of ways.


mike said...

holy shit, they live across the hall from each other! LOL. not to be mean, but gotta love it! from a reader's perspective that is.

Aek said...

Your life's full of twists isn't it? o_O

conrad said...

Your old roommate sounds like the type of person I would love to see broken piece by piece in metaphorical way

j said...

conrad: i wouldn't mind it happening in a literal way either...

David said...

stop seeing your old roommate. go for tall blond alcoholic instead ;D

aside from that, stop doing shit like this to yourself because you certainly don't need it!

Anonymous said...

#4) You are not even gay?

TED said...

Let's look at the silver linings, shall we?

A. Your ex-roommate probably made up all that stuff about being ashamed to be seen with you just to hide the fact that he had another guy in his room, so he didn't really mean it.

B. Your ex-roommate and the tall blond can't be having sex surreptitiously: if they were, neither of them would need to hang out with you.

C. Maybe the current behavior of the two of them is already God paying you back for something else you did.