Friday, August 21, 2009

In All Fairness

When I stepped foot on the muddy ground at the Montgomery County Fair, deep down in my heart I knew this was the last time I could beg my aging body to eat funnel cake and ride a tilt-a-whirl. But this place always possessed such a sense of adventure and excitement, and I wanted to relive those feelings one more time.

So I paid 8 USD to get in (another 8 USD for my friend) and 20 USD for rides and 15 USD for games and 4 USD for a corndog and wondered if anybody still remembers that we are experiencing a recession. I rode all the rides I used to, inwardly hoping that my now adult-sized body would not cause the entire ferris wheel to come unhinged and start rolling down interstate-270. I got harassed by all the workers to "buy a game for my girlfriend," which got to be really awkward when I replied by saying, "I eat penises for breakfast, lunch, and dinner." One, why do they assume we are dating. Two, why do they assume I am straight. Three, why do they assume I speak English.

On one particular ride, my friend got scared and grabbed my hand. I thought to myself, "Perhaps this is the moment I realize that I am straight." But when I opened my eyes, found myself looking at a female, and felt myself gag, I knew nothing had changed and I looked for ways to pry myself out of her sweaty, needy hands.

I've known this girl for about 6 years now and everyone who's met us for the first time assumes we are dating. Recently, at a party, three separate guys tried to hook up with her and each time she came running back to me to sit in my lap and tell me how disgusted she was. The next day, a guy said to me, " I heard _________ was chewing you out a lot at ______'s." Like I know what that means. But this is annoying. Girls are gross.

Anyway, the fair was too expensive and not that fun today. It probably would have been better if it wasn't 90 degrees and humid. And also if this girl wasn't "chewing me out" the entire time.

As we were leaving, I was 100% consumed in making sure the goldfish I had just won was not missing any scales. We walked passed a group of guys and she whispers to me, "Oh my God, that guy totally just eye-fucked you." So I guess she proved herself to be useful and today wasn't a total loss.

6 comments:

Aek said...

Lol, sounded like you had fun at the fair anyhow. :P If she's so useful, then you should utilize that.

Formysake said...

she sounds like a great way to meet other guys. Just don't look at her...

Vigilant said...

I like how you subtlety add important details into your posts; such a skilled writer!

If a guy eye-fucks you (as advised by female companion) = your cute = readers now know you are cute = I'm jealous!

Caligula Sanchez said...

You're lucky. I would kill to have people assume I speak English.

Oldyeller said...

I have vivid memories of going to the Montgomery County fair back in my pimply teenage days when I couldn't understand why I was eye-fucking guys (and an occasional sheep) & ignoring girls. Still have cotton candy and barkers?

Anna said...

so .... does she know you're gay ?