Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Blame Gayme

For the past few days, mommy has been staring at me, giggling to herself, and saying, "I can't believe you're 20! I made such a wonderful boy!" as if she molded me out of gay-dough. Mommy thinks that every positive thing that has ever occurred in my life is because I passed through HER birth canal as opposed to somebody else's.
"You're 185cm tall? - You can thank me for that!"
"You got an A in accounting? - You got that from me!"
"You don't have sickle cell anemia? - You're welcome!"
In her mind, all my triumphs can be traced back to the single act of her giving birth to me. And she uses this as some sort of vindication.

But as much as she takes credit for my strengths, mommy feels she is equally accountable for my failures. So if I were to ever tell her that I am gay, there is no doubt in my mind that she would blame herself and find a way of guilting me into marrying some poor Chinese girl who doesn't understand what's going on and just wants a green card.

Which has me wondering. Can I blame her? Whose fault is it really?

I certainly don't blame myself because homosexuality is not a choice. I choose men over women because I think women are disgusting to look at. But I do not choose to think this way. Honestly, if I had the choice to choose differently, I would. Being gay is hard work and I just want to fit in. Also, I'm tired of being in love with unattainable people like Anderson Cooper.

But just because homosexuality isn't a choice doesn't mean I was born this way. I know many gays refute the idea that gays are "made" and would rather believe that gays are born singing showtunes. (Some sort of genetic predisposition that makes certain neuron groups bigger or whatnot.) But many gays just like to think that homosexuality is purely physiological because it means that they can elicit sympathy and compassion as "victims." Most of all, it counters the idea that homosexuality is a choice and that homosexuals are at fault. Even though it isn't and we aren't, I feel like there has to be something more than that.

I would like to dismiss the stereotype that says gay boys are the eventual products of households with overbearing mothers and emotionally unavailable fathers, but the fact is, that is exactly where I come from. So that could very well be it. Mommy took me shopping as soon as I could walk, so that might explain my affinity to overpriced clothes and the beautiful men that model them. Daddy has never told me he loves me, so that might explain my habit of trying to squeeze those words out of the throat of every man I have ever met.

My best guess is that homosexuality results from a mix of biological and environmental factors. So thank you mommy, daddy, uterus, Liza Minnelli, the 6th grade, for making me gay. I have all of you to blame. But I guess it's not so bad. As long as I have Anderson at 10pm to comfort me.


.Gash said...

This is the reason why you are on my blog list, there is definitely no need to feel out of place as it is certainly no mistake. You always have something insightful and even sometimes profound to say along with all the gay. I can really relate to your mothered upbringing and you when you say: "Daddy has never told me he loves me, so that might explain my habit of trying to squeeze those words out of the throat of every man I have ever met"
I loved how poetically you put it too.

Random Thinker said...

185 cm - 6'1"

you should thank your mom for the height!

Toby said...

Your mother is overbearing and your father is emotionally distant because they've suspected you're gay all along.

dickophile said...

if the rumors are true anderson may not be all that unattainable. ;)

Aek said...

Of course it's both biology (genetic) and environment, almost everything is.

See this article: http://www.healthday.com/Article.asp?AID=616953

You're pretty damn tall for an Asian.

inebriated said...

never really thought about it that way, but i did have an overbearing mother then she disappeared just like y emotionally unavailable dad, but then there was the baby sitters son who kinda tipped me over the edge i guess

Tombi04 said...

I have an overbearing mother and an emotionally distant father too. I think it really is a contributing factor for some people. And how many people would choose to be gay with the stigma that surrounds it in todays society?

Less Confused said...

I can't confirm or deny the overbearing mother and emotionally distant father relationship because my parents are neither. They both had periods in their lives, but over all I had a wonderful childhood. I wish I had something to blame it on. lol.

I enjoy shopping because it was a family thing, I like to travel because we always traveled as a family. My parents were always around and I never "needed" anything.

I love you was never spoken in our family until recent years, we don't hug, but it's not a father son thing, it's a family thing. I have been fortunate to have such a wonderful childhood, and yet, here I am. I have no idea how they'll take the news, but I know it's not their fault.

David said...


i'm in love with anderson cooper too :D

i also come from a family with a somewhat overbearing mother and emotionally unavailable father, but i also have a younger brother who is straight. so i dunno.. maybe it's the way we were differently brought up that results in this difference?

poor chinese girl... heh, i'll be that chinese girl! ;)

good conclusion - i agree.

David said...

PS: you're about my brother's height. he's 188cm/6'2" ish. i'm 5'10" so you'd be a good height for me XD. jk. kinda.

Doug said...

overbearing mother and emotionally distant father here too...

And wow, 6'1".. HOT! love tall guys. ;) I'm only 5'9" (and when I say 5'9", I really mean 5'8.5", but I just like to round up)

And thanks for coming by my blog. How did you know one of us was a vegetarian?

j said...

gash: now i'm blushing.

toby: please. these are the same people who have no idea that elton john is gay.

david: good height for you to what. ;)

doug: the menu for the evening gave it away.

Doomed But Cheerful! said...

'overbearing mother and emotionally distant father here too...'

Relationships n sex n whatnot are fine with women, but I have *always* preferred the real thing.

(Don't forget that the whole concept of 'homosexual' is less than 200 years old anyway!)

David said...

teeheehee *blushes*. oh you're such a flirt J! X]