Sunday, January 4, 2009

Birthday Boy

On January 4, 2009, I am officially, irreversibly, unfortunately, fortunately done with my teen years.

My twenties begin with the consumption of two Tylenol precisely as the clock strikes 12:00am. This is in commemoration of the last twenty years of pain and in anticipation for the next twenty years of pain. Also, I just saw the worst movie in the history of planet Earth (Rachel Getting Married) and I was nauseous.

I wake up at 10:00am (the hour that I was born) to the sounds of mommy, gently rapping on the door, telling me what to wear and planning out the minute details of the next twenty years of my life. I am still half asleep and the only things I catch are, "yellow oxford shirt," "medical school," "three grand-kids."

In keeping with birthday tradition, mommy and daddy take me to lunch. And in keeping with my life's tradition, they discuss my inadequacies: past, present, and future. They tell me that my new age requires new maturity. No longer can I hide behind my sarcasm. No longer can I use their credit card. No longer can I wear woot shirts - the final knife in the heart.

Dinner will occur at 8:00pm at White Flint. I wonder if any of my friends will show up. Go there if you want to stalk me and see what I look like. I may or may not be wearing a yellow oxford shirt. I will not acknowledge you without gift in hand though. These are your options:

a $995USD Movado Watch

a $1297USD Polo Trench

a $50USD Male Masturbator

Or you could just leave a comment. Which is as good a gift as any.


EM said...

Happy Birthday!!

(even though where I am your birthday has been over for 15mins, since it's the 5th here)

Shane said...

Happy Birthday :)

dickophile said...

happy birthday!!! and dont let your parents get to you. remember, they'll die before you. which means you win. unless they come back...

sean said...

happy birthday j! i wish i could come stalk you since white flint is about two minutes away from my house but it'd be inappropriate of me to give you the black jack stroker in front of all your friends.

Aek said...

Happy Birthday!! :D End with the teen years eh?

Ugh, I hate how Asian parents plan out the future to the minutest details. It's SO annoying. -_-

*note to self: don't do with future kids.*

Happy birthday again!

Doug said...

Happy Birthday!! Welcome to your twenties! ;) And never stop wearing woot shirts!

David said...

lol i like what dickophile said.


you have really good taste imo.

hopefully you'll at least get the stroker :D

if not, then hopefully a cyber hug and maybe a kiss will do.


Anna said...

Happy Birthday man!
I have 4 years left of my teenage hood...
but age is just a number right? :S

Hish said...

Happy birthday :) Hope you find happiness this year, in every area of your life :)

Random Thinker said...

Happy Birthday!

How was your dinner? Was it at the Cheesecake Factory?

The Blackout Blog said...

Happy Birthday.

It'll probably get worse before it gets better. But it gets better.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday. And though I hate to contradict your parents, I'm thirty-seven and I can assure you that you can hide behind sarcasm for DECADES.

P in Phoenix

Brent said...

Happy "belated" Birthday!!

j said...

EM: where do you live. mars?

dickophile: that's not necessarily true...

sean: it would've been a great conversational piece.

david: i have really ridiculous taste.

thinker: yes you big stalker

Dan said...

Reading this almost two years later and my first thought was "I wonder if he ever got that male masturbator?" lol