Friday, April 30, 2010

Farewell, Ugly Betty

Tralala I went home for the weekend and my boyfriend won't respond my texts. He did a power hour and then went to a concert with a crazy girl who is in love with him. I'm ok with it. I'm doing homework and watching Buffy. Ok, I lied. I'm not doing homework.

I wonder if he's having sex with the crazy girl. I wonder if he's having sex with some guy he met at the concert. I wonder if he's having sex with both of them. I wonder if he ordered Chinese takeout without me. Growl.

Sometimes I tell him about my irrational fears and ask him if he would ever cheat on me. This might seem like an unusual thing to bring up in the middle of dinner but ever since my home girl Sandra took that fall, nobody can be too careful. Usually he pats me on my head and tells me I am crazy. He never says anything like, "I couldn't even imagine," or "You're the only one that I want." He just tells me I am crazy. Which I already know.

All of this is probably caused by a deep rooted suspicion that he doesn't find me attractive. And that feeling is probably caused by the fact that I don't find myself attractive. And that is probably because I didn't grow up in Asia where everyone looks worse, the same, or only slightly better than me. Instead, I grew up in America, where I am surrounded by young bucks romping shirtless around the quad with their blue eyes, effortless muscles, and curly blonde hair. And also, I am fat.

I can name a few things about him that I find very sexy. But I don't think any part of me drives him wild with desire. And I think that hurts our relationship. Though it's hard to deny that my glittering personality couldn't make somebody fall in love with me, I sometimes feel like we are together because we are just two lonely gay boys that have nobody else. Which begs the question: can a man truly fall in love with somebody he doesn't find attractive?

I can't really believe Ugly Betty was canceled. I'm going to miss it.


Anonymous said...

I don't know how to answer your question. I don't feel attractive either. but in other news, I LOVE BUFFY! haha I can watch it over and over. I kinda get overexcited whenever I find out someone loves it too. lol

Straight Guy from NYC said...

OK, back to talking stupidities.

Not an expert of gay couples, but I believe in the universality of men (and women).

From my point of view, in your age love goes hand and hand with insecurity.

Without some fear about losing him, you'd take him for granted. That hurts love much more than being fat or not having blue eyes.

(Believe me, he can find a blond guy with blue eyes. I still bet he'd rather keep is chubby Asian instead - sorry couldn't resist.)

No really, don't worry about appearance etc, but don't pester him with senseless jealousy and stop displaying fear to the point of looking desperate.

I think the pat in the head and the "crazy" thing is kind of cute. I also believe you're doing well. So sit back and enjoy your time away.

Anonymous said...

I'm on the other side of that equation and I'm trying really hard but failing miserably to like him while not being physically attracted to him even though he is pretty.

Anonymous said...

being so down on yourself ain't sexy and def. going to wear on the relationship. Why not focus on the good things and not put yourself down? You shouldn't be questioning your rel. with him and just have fun.

Craig said...

I think Asians and Euro-Asians are sexy looking; they're almost always in better shape than whites guys. Asians romp around with sexy bodies too. The fat you say you have you can do something about if you try, so stop complaining about that.

You obviously have some low self-esteem issues. I do too-and I think its inherent in many gays. If anything is causing problems with your boyfriend, its the insecurity and jealousy that you exhibit.

TED said...

You need to cheat on him, preemptively. It will help you regain or retain the power in the relationship, and since you're incapable of love, power is all that matters.

W said...

i can half appreciate where your coming from in that i'm not particularly hot either. However, what i have learned is that it doesnt matter too much if you come across like you think your the dog's bollocks. When i was young it was a complete front to hide my insecurities. But now i'm ok with those and think i really am very happy in myself and think i am quite a catch :) Net result: i have a boyfriend who most would agree is a complete fiddy, yet who i am completely confident is head over heels in love with me.

In brief, love yourself (or pretend to love yourself).

dccised said...

W: i can't understand half of things you just said.