Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Mommy, I'm Gay

Daddy: I know you have a girlfriend and I know that she is Indian.
Me: What.
Daddy: You brought home leftover curry last night. An Indian girl must have made it for you.

Actually Dad, it was Thai curry. So if anything, the stupid slut is from Thailand.

Mommy: Don't come home one day and tell me your girlfriend is pregnant.
Me: That would take a miracle.
Mommy: What?
Me: Huh?
Mommy: Do I need to buy you a box of condoms?
Me: Aaaaaaaalready have some.
Mommy: What?
Me: Huh?

I don't know how many more awkward conversations I can take. Whenever I go out, they joke about me going to see my girlfriend, which annoys me to no end. How dare anybody insinuate that I like girls? Sometimes, I want to turn around and say, "Actually, I am going to suck my boyfriend's giant penis. And then we are going to watch Up In The Air." But I keep it all in. I suppose this is the price I pay for, uhm, what is the word for the opposite of estrangement?

I can't put this off forever though. True, I could hump men all day and all night without my parents figuring anything out. But when it comes time for me to settle down, get married to a beautiful, tall, white man, and adopt a Vietnamese orphan girl, I can't exactly do it with my parents in the dark. And although I previously wrote it off as a narcissistic white boy's game, there is something unsettling about never telling your parents who you really are before they die.

So I guess one day, when the political climate is right, I will have to just do it. I would definitely come out to mommy first because she is the more sympathetic of the two and she just gets it. [It being fashion.] The problem is, I have trouble gauging what her reaction will be. Sometimes I purposefully expose her to gay things and observe her behavior.

Like one time I turned on CNN and there was a story about a man who was outed in Iran and then stoned to death on the street.

Mommy said, "That is ridiculous why would they do that?"

And then one time we watched Brothers & Sisters on a plane together and the two gay guys started making out.

Mommy thought that was major lolz.

So from what I can gather, her reaction will be somewhere between not taking me seriously and bludgeoning me to death with medium-sized stones.

Coming out can wait.

So I don't know what the point of this was.


Aek said...

The predicament we face. :-/

But it sounds like your mom's reaction might be better than you'd think.

david said...

your mom already knows.


Anonymous said...

i'm w/ david

u r kidding yoursef.

Doug said...

Same sentiments here... One day, I will tell them. But I don't think it will be anytime soon.

The Illustrious D said...

Other than having your classic Dawson's Creek moment, why would you want to? What I mean is, what would you hope to gain or be willing to lose by telling them? It's too big of a risk to not name what is important about it to yourself.

Craig said...

I never told my parents and they're both gone. They were pretty old school/homophobic, so it wouldn't have been pretty if I had. But I think they had a pretty good idea that I was "different". [Note: dispensing no advice]

Mike said...

Provided your Mom isn't blind, I think she knows.

Anonymous said...

It might be obvious to you, but I think most parents can't tell if their son/daughter is gay.

fuck, i'm gay said...

my biggest fear that some day our regular family dinners will turn into a big ball of awkwardness regarding my sexuality. talk about losing the appetite to eat.

good luck buddy.

Mike said...

Dude, I hate to be your nagger, BUT you're way over do for a post.

Mr. Impatient said...

Mommy. I haven't blogged in a while.

Jay said...

Fucking hilarious... i should never have taken a break from blog reading