Saturday, March 6, 2010

Heads & Balls & Shoulders

I don't usually give out advice on my blog. It makes me feel like one of those 40-somethings that cling desperately to their youth by trying to tell young gay boys how to live their lives with pearls of false wisdom. I am a firm believer that a stranger on the internet can't possibly "know exactly how you feel!" Don't trust them. Don't even trust me. Everyone should find their own way through life.

Ok, but I have to give you guys one bit of advice.

A few nights ago I went to the club with a few of my friends. At around 2am everyone was pretty tired and we all went our separate ways. I went to Tall Blonde Alcoholic's apartment to cuddle for a bit when we decided it would be a good idea to get freaky in the shower. So he grabbed his laptop, put it on the vanity, and played Disturbia, while I took off my clothes. Funny.

And then we got in the shower. And did the dirty. While getting clean!

The next morning, I woke up to the most excruciating pain ever in my balls.
I thought I was going to die. Seriously killed by ball pain. So I put my clothes on and tiptoed out of the apartment, thinking an STD of some sort was involved and it was time for me to jump off the roof of the building out of shame.

Later that morning, Tall Blonde Alcoholic texted me, "Why do I have rug-burn on my balls?"

And then it dawned on me.

Me: Did you use Head & Shoulders as lube?
Him: Yes. Why?
Me: It contains zinc pyrithione! A potent heat shock response inducer that may cause DNA damage!

Actually, I didn't say that. I just looked that up on Wikipedia right now.

But the point is that now my balls look like the surface of Mars.

And I'm probably going to get cancer.

So next time my knees are behind my head [on my shoulders] I am not going to use Head & Shoulders. And neither should you.


Aek said...

Lol, advice duly noted. :-) I hope your balls feel better soon.

A said...

this entry is why I want more blog entries from you. (Sidebar: Im storing that gem of knowledge in a safe place)

TED said...

An impertinent person might say that the cure for testicular cancer is removal of the balls and you aren't using yours anyway, but I'm not impertinent, so I won't say that.

I hope you're making this up. Otherwise, you're dating someone who drinks enough to think that using Head and Shoulders as lube is an ok idea. On the other hand, I guess a guy who can be that drunk and still get it up is impressive, so carry on.

J said...

been there before. shits not fun.

Patrick said...

I cried laughing for a good 2 minutes with that "played disturbia, while I got naked" bit.

I heard a story of someone used bengay as lube..ugh :/

Rex said...

So, so.... I am glad I read this... hmmm.

Dan said...


Andrew and Liam said...

Pantene does the trick.

david said...


Random Thinker said...

were you referring to me as "one of those 40-somethings that cling desperately to their youth by trying to tell young gay boys how to live their lives with pearls of false wisdom"?


The Illustrious D said...

Related: do NOT Nair your balls, taint or chocolate star region.

In additional to the hell fire that descends on your region, it also smells like old cucumber and cum. So no one really wins there.

Craig said...

But weren't you also giving advice in a sense when you admonished 40-somethings not to give advice to young gay boys? May I assume that the 50 and older-somethings who no longer cling to anything even remotely resembling youth may continue to dispense worthless pearls of wisdom with impunity? (Sorry, slow work day.)

LordNelson said...

Well ... thats certainly a story to tell the grandchildren.

Jay said...

Lmao :)