Thursday, March 11, 2010


Sometimes I log onto my old manhunt account in an effort to forge platonic relationships with members of DC's homosexual underbelly.

This morning I received three unprecedented, and might I add unwarranted, negative messages.

Since I don't feel the need to protect the identity of people who are mean to me, here they are in all their glory.

Location: Pentagon

Him: Try to look at the corner honey. There they use a stick. The sickness profile I have ever seen in my life
Me: i have no idea what you are talking about.

Him: of course you don't . That wouldn't suprised me a bit
Me: you are a ridiculous if you have nothing better to do than harpoon people you don't even know on a site like this. surely you can take your arrogance elsewhere; i am not amused. i'm also not sure where all of this negativity came from (maybe syphilis is slowly eating at your brain) but if you don't have enough of a sense of humor to take my profile with a grain of salt, than that is your problem and not mine. and if you're going to pick an argument with somebody, try making at least a little bit of sense.
Him: Mr. English speaker, why don't you just summarize your lengthy essay in one word "ego problem" That would save alot of our time. Anyway, I have so much fun. Hope to see you online soon.

I really couldn't make sense of what this guy was saying. Something about corners, sticks, and surprising him in the past tense. I'm glad he could recognize that I speak English but disappointed that he didn't know how to read my masterpiece essay. Isn't there some law that says you can't have sex before you can read? Well, there should be. I'm also upset because there should be a comma before ego problem (which is, incidentally, two words). But, I mean, he looks pretty good other than his asymmetrical breasts.

A few minutes later.

Location Pentagon

Him: Reading your profile make me empty a bottle of tylenols. You sure are def. the winner of sickness person on earth. With that attitude, Why don't you just come back to wherever the hell you from.
Me: learn English.
Him: Speak for yourself

Excuse me, my grammar is impeccable. I eat dangling modifiers for breakfast. In fact, I would like to point out that in telling me to, "come back to wherever the hell i from," instead of, "go back to wherever the hell i from," he implies that he is there too.

Also, who is he to tell me off, considering his profile reads, "all men are NOT created equal!"

Now, at first I was confused about these two seemingly independent occurrences. But then I thought, how many twenty-two year olds from Pentagon could be on manhunt at the same time using the word "sickness" incorrectly? Surely, less than two.

And finally.

Location: DC

Him: Pitiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Nice hair.
Him: Thanks but sorry I cannot say the same to you. You're got the look but with that profile, you sure got alot of attention

I don't know about him, but I was being sarcastic. Seriously, his hair looks like the surface of the mega-asteroid in Armageddon. This doesn't make me any less ecstatic about hearing that I've "got the look." But I have to wonder how many
twenty-two year olds could be on manhunt at the same time mistaking "alot" for one word? Surely, no more than one.

Maybe this guy thought he was making some brilliant point that manhunt users should be less like me [smart and funny and cute] and more like him [illiterate]. But sadly, none of his three manifestations could amount to anything more than confusion on my part and hopefully, amusement on yours.

This was a lot of fun.


Michael Mattison said...


A said...

I also like how the first two used the word 'sickness'. I'm not one with impeccable grammar and far too often mistake slang and commonly used (verbal) made up words to describe things but I saw writing off three as one is good. Maybe he's practicing his written english by filling in the information to sign up for manhunt? (over and over and over and over)

Oldyeller said... word ("ego problem"). LOL!

Patrick said...

This proves to show that crystal meth abuse leads to brain damage

Cash said...

Funny shit! oh man.
Hey you live in DC, if you'd be down to talk, I have some questions, I'm considering moving to DC for grad school. Hit me up.

Cash said...

Well . . . even more grad school.

Doug said...

HAHA, now I'm curious to know what YOUR profile says. :P

The Illustrious D said...

Hear, hear Doug.

Clearly your profile induces an adverse reaction in wannaguidos that have experienced partially asphyxiation at the hands of Aquanet. We need to see this profile of yours. How are those of us devoted to pommade or - God forbid - mousse supposed to support you otherwise?!

sean said...

I'd say you should just be grateful that none of these dudes asked you if they "could use your ass as a cum receptacle." Delight!

david said...

lolz. they're all the same person right? a swift kick to the nads and then to the face should solve your prob. :)

td said...

That first guy was hot. You shoulda stopped bitching about grammar and hooked up.

soft nonsense said...

I was reading your blog while in class, and when I got to "Mr. English Speaker" I laughed out loud. Embarrassing, but most definitely worth it.

soft nonsense said...

Oh, also the waggling penis shot made it a bit awkward to have up in class, but I shouldn't have been surprised.

Damien Michaels said...

Probably the BEST blog profile I've ever read!

Jay said...

we have to see your profile! If you show me yours i'll show you mine ;)