Thursday, July 16, 2009

There Goes the Neighborhood

The new neighbors moved in a few months ago but I haven't been home very much so I didn't even know what they looked like until I saw them playing catch in the backyard today. Before that, all I knew was that the family consisted of a single dad and 7-year-old twins (a boy and a girl) and that their situation would be the perfect backdrop for a tv show on ABC in the early 90s.

mommy immediately assumes that the good-for-nothing wife turned her back on her most important duty as a human being and is probably working as a dancer in Las Vegas. I suggested that maybe she died. "Oh, hopefully." I, on the other hand, have a theory that the wife left the husband because after years of sexual repression he finally came out to her. And after seeing today how attractive he is, I fervently hope that my theory is true. That DILF is mine. I have no qualms about the age gap. He looks great for his age and I look horrible for mine. So really, it's a perfect match.

This weekend, I plan on mowing the lawn shirtless and romping around my backyard in an overtly sexual manner. When he sees me from the window above his kitchen sink, his heart will beat fast inside his chest and his knees will go weak. He will come outside to introduce himself and we will have passionate sweaty sex underneath my deck on a bed of freshly laid gravel.

His children won't like me at first because they are quite against the idea of replacing their mommy (with a man). They will play horrendous tricks on me like putting a frog in my teacup and applying superglue to my seat at the dining table. But given time, they too will come to love me and see the beauty that lies deep deep deep deep deep within. They will also see me as somebody who is much better than their good-for-nothing mother who ran away from her responsibilities to become a burlesque dancer at Mandalay Bay with unwholesome ties with the mob.

But sadly, I don't live on Wisteria Lane. Also, seeing me shirtless won't make him weak in the knees as much as it will cause him to throw up in the sink. So this is probably not how things will unfold.

6 comments:

Formysake said...

You probably have the funniest self-deprecating humor I've ever heard.

FMS

x! said...

XD LOL

This is perhaps your funniest blog entry.

Doug said...

Oh, J, you crack me up. LOL

mstpbound said...

funny as hell. :D

Random Thinker said...

OMG, you are frickin hilarious...

mike said...

Please, please, please... post a picture of the single dad!!!