All Growed Up

I knew this guy in middle school that was kinda dorky and had a funny voice. I vaguely remember him trying to be my friend but I didn't really pay that much attention to him because I was a little douchebag back then. After we graduated and went to different high schools, I never expected to hear from him again.

But.

I found him Facebook.

And he is so hot.

Of course I am kicking myself for not becoming his BFF when I had the chance and now it's too late. He goes to school in a different state, I have no idea where he lives anymore, and I'm pretty sure it would be weird, (after all these years), to see if he wants to come over to play video games or something.

I think he has a girlfriend.

Of course he does.

Zac Efron is Gay

Last night I may or may not have accidentally typed "naked male celebs" into Google and I may have accidentally searched through the first hundred results before I realized my mistake. I came across this gem somewhere after 43 but before 58.



It is called , "Zac Efron's gay kiss."

Which is exciting in theory. But which one am I supposed to believe is Zac? I suppose the one on the right looks a little more like Zac, but that's only because he is wearing an ugly trucker hat and we can only see 18% of his face. The one of the left could very well be a girl with no boobs. So I guess he looks a lot like Zac too.

I have this fantasy where I make it big in the Asian pop scene. After a few hit albums, I return to America to seek crossover success. Zac Efron will hit me up because he is obviously gay (see above photo) and jonesin' for me, a little pop tart. We will have a secret gay relationship until one of us is outed by the fat ugly Perez Hilton. His career will be over but I think mine will survive since I have that loyal fan base in Asia.

My Philadelphia Boy

While waiting for the Apex Bus (unfortunately not associated with the gay club) to take me back to DC from Philadelphia, 3 people ask me for directions. With two days' knowledge of the city, I can already pretend I know everything. Luckily, yes, I know exactly where Chinatown is, I know exactly where Urban Outfitters is, I know exactly where the Real World house is.

But this is weird. People never ask me for help in DC. In general, people steer clear and avoid eye contact because they fear how much they love me. But in Philadelphia, I am approachable because nobody loves me.

While I was still waiting for the Apex Bus (unfortunately not associated with the style of The North Face jacket), my beautiful boy walks up to the line and stands by me. He is one of those tall skinny ones. With a small waist and an archy back. Long legs and big feet. Conspicuous ears and long eyelashes. Big brown eyes and neatly cropped hair. He is so cute I could hug him and smile forever. His back is facing me. I am invisible to him.

I get on the bus first. I pick a seat and make sure the one next to me is clearly available. An obnoxious French couple asks if they can take my two seats in order to sit together. The French man hints that I should sit next to "the beautiful girl." The French are so obnoxious.

I sit next to the beautiful girl but I don't care about her. My beautiful boy walks on the bus. He sits diagonally behind me, the worst place possible. I can't look at him without seeming completely obvious but he has a perfect view of all my obvious physical flaws. This is not how I planned it, but the French are so obnoxious.

When we arrive in DC, I hop onto the Metro. When I turn around on the platform, he is sitting on a bench behind me. He is beautiful even in the insufficient underground light. I wonder how much longer our paths will coincide. When the train comes, he gets in a different car. That is the last I ever saw of my beautiful boy.

There Goes the Neighborhood

The new neighbors moved in a few months ago but I haven't been home very much so I didn't even know what they looked like until I saw them playing catch in the backyard today. Before that, all I knew was that the family consisted of a single dad and 7-year-old twins (a boy and a girl) and that their situation would be the perfect backdrop for a tv show on ABC in the early 90s.

mommy immediately assumes that the good-for-nothing wife turned her back on her most important duty as a human being and is probably working as a dancer in Las Vegas. I suggested that maybe she died. "Oh, hopefully." I, on the other hand, have a theory that the wife left the husband because after years of sexual repression he finally came out to her. And after seeing today how attractive he is, I fervently hope that my theory is true. That DILF is mine. I have no qualms about the age gap. He looks great for his age and I look horrible for mine. So really, it's a perfect match.

This weekend, I plan on mowing the lawn shirtless and romping around my backyard in an overtly sexual manner. When he sees me from the window above his kitchen sink, his heart will beat fast inside his chest and his knees will go weak. He will come outside to introduce himself and we will have passionate sweaty sex underneath my deck on a bed of freshly laid gravel.

His children won't like me at first because they are quite against the idea of replacing their mommy (with a man). They will play horrendous tricks on me like putting a frog in my teacup and applying superglue to my seat at the dining table. But given time, they too will come to love me and see the beauty that lies deep deep deep deep deep within. They will also see me as somebody who is much better than their good-for-nothing mother who ran away from her responsibilities to become a burlesque dancer at Mandalay Bay with unwholesome ties with the mob.

But sadly, I don't live on Wisteria Lane. Also, seeing me shirtless won't make him weak in the knees as much as it will cause him to throw up in the sink. So this is probably not how things will unfold.

Pride Parades are Dangerous

I stumbled upon a youtube video of a queeny middle-aged gay guy getting harassed by a bunch of black kids in Minneapolis. They follow him down the street taunting him with glittering gems like, "Gay is not the way!" At the very end, he emerges from the throng, thinking of himself as a hero, and walks triumphantly down the street declaring, "See how I'm not scared at all!"

There are a lot of comments. Because when it comes to gay people, you either hate them or you love them. I've culled the best ones. My comments in red.

I hate those mother fucking niggers but i also hate those mother fucking gay ass bitches that like to fuck each other in the asshole. but niggers are worse beacuse they have big ass nostrils and are smelly as hell and they got some big gums. they all need to go back to africaland and play with the tigers and lions. i hate black and gay people. i hope i never see a gay black guy. (There are no tigers in Africa.)

you know what is just filthy? how that faggot is walking around like a girl and his effeminate behavior. what a bitch. gays have a hidden agenda. (To quietly redecorate America.) don't trust these motherfuckers. even OBAMA doesn't care about the faggots. (Yeah... I guess he doesn't.)

I would love to squish all those kid's heads like little grapes. (wow...)

you are not scared because they are kids... (This one is my favorite.)

are those ethiopians? they look weird as hell (Sources indicate that they are, in fact, Somalian.)

most gays die of some type of infection, they only thing that creates homosexuality is child molesters its all psychological, how many gay monkeys do you see? (Carson Kressley and Michael Urie are two gay monkeys off the top of my head.)

What this poor fellow should have done was throw waffles, fried chicken, watermelons, Kool Aid, and Barry White CD's at the mob along with coupons for dinner at popeyes (Don't forget Spongebob Square Pants backpacks and Michael Jackson...since last Tuesday.)

I'm not going to link it because this video is too ridiculous. And I'm not taking sides.