I have a lot to say; I always do. I just feel so emotionally-exhausted that I dont know if I have the words in me these days. I'm also regular-exhausted. I have this free 3 [consecutive] day pass at the WSC but everytime I go there's a new receptionist who perpetually thinks it's my second day. I've gone 5 days in a row now. I can't feel my arms.
The picture of complete and utter loneliness that I paint around myself is not entirely true. My situation could be worse. I could be a black, lesbian Jew - I could be Aneesa from Real World Chicago. But I've done ok, working with what I've got, in the district of desperation and dismissiveness. I go on a steady stream of dates, (I'd say an average of 3 first dates a week). I went on three last Thursday alone. The problem is these dates almost always end with, "I'd be cool with messing around, but let's just be friends."
Now I don't know about YOU guys, but I don't give handjobs to my friends on the Metro. So my general reaction to these overtures is something biting like, "THIS IS NOT AMERICA'S NEXT TOP BEST FRIEND." It's insulting to be told you aren't qualified for the upper echelon of dateable guys; what about me isn't good enough for them? Since I'm dating exclusively white guys, it kinda puts me right back in San Francisco in the mid 1800s, "You're ugly. Go build me a railroad."
Somebody on OKCupid put it perfectly when he said gay guys no longer form relationships via their daily lives. Everyone's on an online website or on Grindr where the pool is seemingly limitless. They make split-second judgements without making the effort to observe any other personal qualities. In doing so, "the perfect guy" is potentially bypassed for a "total babe" who is a total nightmare. This guy is either a genius or as pathetic as I am. Perhaps both.
Ok, so let's say I get why people wouldn't necessarily want to be with me. The larger problem I'm wrestling with is its effect on me. Why does it matter? Why can't I be like the rest of these bumbling idiots, content with going on an endless string of first dates until Mr. Perfect falls right into my lap? How come I can't stick my toe into the pool without falling in and drowning?
The truth is, I notice problems with every guy I date too. Mr. Thursday was slightly effeminite, mildly arrogant, and a Republican. Mr. Friday was selfish, awkward, and had this really consicupous stain on his front tooth. Red head #1 was immature, transient, and looked like a dinosaur. Thor was Icelandic.
The difference between me and all the other men is that I search inwardly for ways I can make a relationship with an otherwise imperfect person, perfect. They, on the other hand, only look for reasons why it won't work and treat each one as a dealbreaker. Maybe it's only fed by desperation, but I feel for people, imperfections et al. White people only care about themselves - finding somebody to satisfy their needs. And so the real question becomes: is it worse to settle with somebody or grow old with nobody?
I suppose the verbiage is still in me, I just have to dig a little deeper these days.
The picture of complete and utter loneliness that I paint around myself is not entirely true. My situation could be worse. I could be a black, lesbian Jew - I could be Aneesa from Real World Chicago. But I've done ok, working with what I've got, in the district of desperation and dismissiveness. I go on a steady stream of dates, (I'd say an average of 3 first dates a week). I went on three last Thursday alone. The problem is these dates almost always end with, "I'd be cool with messing around, but let's just be friends."
Now I don't know about YOU guys, but I don't give handjobs to my friends on the Metro. So my general reaction to these overtures is something biting like, "THIS IS NOT AMERICA'S NEXT TOP BEST FRIEND." It's insulting to be told you aren't qualified for the upper echelon of dateable guys; what about me isn't good enough for them? Since I'm dating exclusively white guys, it kinda puts me right back in San Francisco in the mid 1800s, "You're ugly. Go build me a railroad."
Somebody on OKCupid put it perfectly when he said gay guys no longer form relationships via their daily lives. Everyone's on an online website or on Grindr where the pool is seemingly limitless. They make split-second judgements without making the effort to observe any other personal qualities. In doing so, "the perfect guy" is potentially bypassed for a "total babe" who is a total nightmare. This guy is either a genius or as pathetic as I am. Perhaps both.
Ok, so let's say I get why people wouldn't necessarily want to be with me. The larger problem I'm wrestling with is its effect on me. Why does it matter? Why can't I be like the rest of these bumbling idiots, content with going on an endless string of first dates until Mr. Perfect falls right into my lap? How come I can't stick my toe into the pool without falling in and drowning?
The truth is, I notice problems with every guy I date too. Mr. Thursday was slightly effeminite, mildly arrogant, and a Republican. Mr. Friday was selfish, awkward, and had this really consicupous stain on his front tooth. Red head #1 was immature, transient, and looked like a dinosaur. Thor was Icelandic.
The difference between me and all the other men is that I search inwardly for ways I can make a relationship with an otherwise imperfect person, perfect. They, on the other hand, only look for reasons why it won't work and treat each one as a dealbreaker. Maybe it's only fed by desperation, but I feel for people, imperfections et al. White people only care about themselves - finding somebody to satisfy their needs. And so the real question becomes: is it worse to settle with somebody or grow old with nobody?
I suppose the verbiage is still in me, I just have to dig a little deeper these days.
5 comments:
Perfection does not exist. The definition of a relationship is settling for someone. My boyfriend and I have been together happily for 11 years because we both understand no one else would tolerate our imperfections.
"The difference between me and all the other men is that I search inwardly for ways I can make a relationship with an otherwise imperfect person, perfect."
If that's the case, how can you only date White men? I've read your blog since the beginning and I really can't tell if you are truly repulsed by Asians (and a little bit of yourself since you are one) or if that's just hyperbole, similar to your "the picture of complete and utter loneliness" I get it, it's kind of a character, a refined sense of who you are.
At first, all those "I only like White men" was amusing but now it just sounds really petty since you are literally marginalizing an entire group of people, let alone people who are Black, Latino, etc. I might as well add fatties, <30s, and gays who live with their parents since that's part of the gay selection process.
But your verbiage is that "They, on the other hand, only look for reasons why it won't work..." It seems like the only thing you looked at was the shape of their eyes and that was the deal breaker. There are other more important and substantial deal breakers out there, mine for example are black, lesbian Jews. (because lesbians don't like me) But seriously, arrogance, selfishness, immaturity, dinosaur features, things you noticed with your dates (and worth noticing) but never got a chance to see with non-white men because they weren't even given the chance.
Maybe I'm wrong but I want to mention that I also hate all the first dates I've gone on, that I fall in love the moment someone attractive accidentally looks at my way, and that I've judged people based on imperfections, and even only dated White men (not by choice) so I know exactly what you're saying. I also see exactly what's wrong with it, I hope you do too.
As I see it or am trying to see it because I'm going through dating hang-ups like you, it's not just about settling for somebody or growing old with nobody, it's about getting to know somebody until they become like no one else. Sorry for being trite. Habit. Feel free to gag. Habit.
An envious and faithful reader.
PS. I'm glad the time between these two last posts has decreased, it should happen more often.
There is so much beauty in the world. Sad to think that you only see it in Caucasian men.
"White people only care about themselves - finding somebody to satisfy their needs."
That line. As much as I hate to say how big of a generalization it is, I've found it to be true 98% of the time.
Aside from that, Hetero-Challenged said what I wanted to say.
Also an envious and faithful reader.
I'm a white guy who just stopped dating a person of color after a little more than a year. He only cared about himself and getting his needs met. I did not and do not feel the need to generalize his behavior to his entire race. If all white men are that way, and you only date white men, you are stupid.
Also, it seems obvious to me that if you go on three first dates a week, your expectations for any particular first date shouldn't be all that high. Clearly, a lot of guys your age are not ready to settle down, so the whole let's-be-friends-with-benefits thing is not really surprising. I think that anyone who knows with certainty that you aren't LTR material after one date -- but who is nonetheless willing to have you as a FWB -- clearly isn't all that interested in a serious relationship with anyone.
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