Thursday, January 5, 2012

Reflections, Regrets, Resolutions

I've been thinking a lot about time lately. The holidays provide the perfect backdrop for my temporal affective disorder. The one, two, three combination of Christmas, New Years, and my birthday are relentless. They simultaneously remind me of how quickly the last year has passed and how slowly the time ahead of me seems to move. They emphasize how desperation can stretch for months onto a year and happiness can only last for a day, and in some cases, just a few seconds.

Christmas as a young adult is always letdown. The traditions I remember from my childhood have all been abandoned and family togetherness is contrived- merely an excuse for my parents to get me in a room with them and warn me against dating anything but an Asian girl. My sister somehow escaped this purgatory. It turns out San Francisco is just out of arm's reach. I should move there.

My parents and I went to Great Falls on the Potomac on Christmas day. Standing on the bridge above the gushing rapids, my father felt the need to unload some philosophical musings about how time is like water: it seems never ending but the water you see right now will be gone in a moment and you will never see it again. This was depressing. Then my mom made a comment about how if I ever abandon or disappoint her, she is going to jump into the falls headfirst. "How about if I jump instead," I bargained in my head.

New Years was less of a downer. I went to New York City this year; its frenetic pace and the masses of unfamiliar faces helped me forget about my "DC problems" for a few days. Also, I imagined myself as Michael Fassbender in Shame. That was fun. 

New Years Eve, at around 11pm, I text a guy that I'm seeing to wish him a happy New Year. He texts back, asking me what I'm up to. Turns out we are both in NYC, both in East Village. He doesn't want to meet up. The ball drops. And then I go home.

Birthdays are especially hard. I spend the entire year building up immense expectations that this is the one day out of the year that the people I care about will want to make me happy, that the universe will somehow allow everything to go my way, that I will feel loved. Not so. I worked all day, went to dinner with my mom (apparently after not receiving a text from this cute guy that wanted to buy me dinner- not sure if I believe him when he says this now), went home, watched Modern Family, went to bed. I don't even like Modern Family. The only thing more disappointing about the actual day is the fact that I have to wait a whole year to experience it again.

At the moment, I don't know how to feel about time. In some respects, it moves too quickly and I feel like every part of my life is out of control. In other respects, it moves too slowly and I feel like there's no passion, no excitement, nothing to live for.

In the new year, and my 23rd year of life, I've made the resolution to let go of everything behind me and strive to be a better, happier person. But aside from waking up earlier, eating less meat (interpret this however you want), and investing more in my 401k, I don't exactly have any fabulous ideas that will make me the cute, upbeat, loveable guy that I want to be. More importantly, I wonder if change really is easier to achieve now, when the "new year" concept is just an overblown celebration of the arbitrarily selected Julian calendar. WHAT DO THE ROMANS KNOW ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE? 

Maybe my dad was right. Perhaps true happiness exists only for a moment in time, and when that time passes, it's gone forever.


Anonymous said...

You're too hard on yourself. Fuck anyone that doesn't want to meet up with you when you're in the same city on the same night randomly. Happiness will find you, I'm still trying to forget my 20's. Constantly searching for something that's not there and being envious of people that looking back now were just sad and pathetic.

David said...

Happy Belated Birthday! Move to SF, you won't regret it. I would definitely want to meet with you if you were in town! And not just for sex, unless that is what you want.

Ashley Marie said...

I agree with the post before me. I just stumbled upon your blog and this is the first post I read of yours. I love your New Years resolutions! They're so similar to mine. Take joy in the gifts that you have been given, take pride in your accomplishments & love yourself. It can be a challenge sometimes, but try to compliment yourself every day. Either in your blog, in a journal or just think about it.
I'm in my twenties as well & I know that this is the time for self-discovery and acceptance. In that way, I think it can be harder than your teens. You deserve happiness! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Mike said...

"I don't even like Modern Family." Blasphemy!! That show is hilarious. Perhaps u need a laugh track that assists you and points out the funnies...

Kinda glad you had a miserable b-day.... :)

dccised said...

Anon: yeah. fuck that dumb homo.

David: thank you. a million thank yous.

Ashley: your chipperness is inspiring and disheartening at the same time.