At Least I'm Still Skinny

I feel ugly today. It's probably because earlier, my dad was like, "You're not that ugly for an Asian, go find a girlfriend already." Also, my mom does this cute thing where every night before she goes to sleep she takes a long look at me and says, "How much weight have you gained today?"

My ugliness has ruined my self esteem, which is why I'm so into self deprecation, which makes guys even less attracted to me, which makes me feel even uglier. The cycle is endless. But actually, there are some times when I feel pretty attractive. Like yesterday I was in the shower at the gym and this guy walked back and forth at least five times staring at me the entire time. At first I was like ew no he is so gross. But then I was like, maybe he wants my number? Then I was like, ew no he is old. But then I was like, maybe he will buy me mozzarella sticks?

Then there are the rare instances where cute white boys are into me. Like my ex bf, but then again that didn't really work out. And who knows if that was true physical attraction or just post adolescent desperation gone horribly, horribly wrong. Now there's the new straight guy. But he hasn't exactly disabled his OKCupid account. And also he lives in NYC. 

I've been going on Manhunt a lot because I have this huge financial accounting exam coming up that I really need to study for. Mostly, I get messaged by a lot of 40 year old men who look like they're 20 years pregnant and guys pretending that they want to play tennis and trying to convince me that that somehow requires I show them my penis first. There were a few promising leads but those turned out to be a 5'2" guy who insisted on watching the new "Planet of the Apes" and an Indian guy who forgets who I am every 24 hours.

My misanthropic views of online dating are this: people decide within 5 seconds whether they want you or not, and it doesn't have anything to do with your cute humor or beautiful personality, it's how you look. I find it really annoying how guys pretend to want to find friends and deeper connections so they can stand on some sort of sexual high ground. But it's not like I've been invited to any Jane Austen book clubs or Liz Lemon worship parties. So either they're lying, or they only want to find friends that they can envision future sex with. And it doesn't matter if you're on any site other than Manhunt that touts the idea of "matches" and "connections." Gay guys don't care if you're a 99% friend match just like straight guys would never actively search out a platonic relationship with Ugly Betty. Men want sex. End of story.

Basically, these sites are built for narcissistic white guys to find guys that make them feel like they're having sex with themselves. (I'm obviously angry, but that sounds pretty hot, no?) "YEAH, I LOVE LICKING ASSHOLES, oh wait? you're Asian? ew no." I guess I can get some satisfaction out of the fact that when these guys get to be 30 they start looking like Peter O'Toole and they're forced to hit on young ethnic minorities because in their delusion they think that's an even match. Future young Asians, exact my revenge.

The more I read this, the more it sounds like a crazed rant. To be honest, I'm a hypocrite for judging. I pretty much dissed and dismissed the short fem guy and the Indian with no crystallized intelligence. But it feels good to let some of the bitterness out once in a while. I'm beginning to realize that the only relationship I'm ever going to have is with this blog. And even then, we only do it once a month.