Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Lease Dies Tonight

I have this roommate. 

He seemed like he was going to be white and gay and friendly and smart and considerate and funny. It turns out he is only white and gay. Apparently white and gay are not synonymous with any of the aforementioned traits; only bitchy, selfish, and... what's the word for "has really nice hair"?

I pose an example.

Every day, after he comes home from work, he frantically changes out of his suit and into some sort of hipster clothing article he bought from a thrift store for $1 or a vintage store for $100 and spends a good 15 to 30 minutes complaining about everyone he spoke to that day. Normally, I would be fine with this, but he does exactly what the people he complains about do.

I pose an example.

He takes very serious issue with a coworker who makes judgmental comments about what he eats for lunch. "I don't understand why anybody would try to impose their arbitrary food preferences on somebody else like it even matters."

Nevermind the obnoxious use of the word "arbitrary" in that sentence [like it even matters]. But the other night, he comes home, looks at me drunk-eating a sandwich, and goes, "I don't understand anybody who would buy pre-sliced and pre-packaged turkey." What does he do? Hunt, roast and slice a wild tom every time he's in the mood for a turkey club.

He also likes to preface most of his comments with the phrase, "I don't understand." As if the idiocy that is about to follow can be forgiven because it's all part of his endless quest for knowledge.

Anyway, he's a complainer. And after going on and on about how he has the worst life out of anybody on the entire planet, he takes a stab at politeness and asks, "I'm sorry, how was your day?" But at that point he isn't really interested in listening and is already thinking about J. Crew's November catalog.

One afternoon, I came home to find him dragging a sponge across the kitchen counter. It was like the only place he ever saw somebody clean was during "The Help." "I cleaned the apartment all day" he said in his best housekeeper/martyr impression. He then complained about our other roommate for never cleaning (I'm sure he complains about me when I'm not around). But the real irony is that the place looked exactly the same. White people's idea of cleaning is putting a spoon into the dishwasher and then going back to reading Gawker, eating grainy mustard, and bitching about why everyone else won't clean everything else.

And he also does this thing where he says something really obnoxious and catty like "I don't understand why anybody would watch Desperate Housewives", pauses, and then goes, "are you mad at me?" like asking how his bitchy comments make you feel makes him somehow thoughtful. FYI, just because you're paranoid about being inconsiderate does not make you considerate.

Then there are the little things: like the fact that we are fighting a war of attrition on who should by the next ream of toilet paper, and the fact that he refuses to split the cost of buying a couch from Ikea because it's "ridiculously expensive" but will buy a $200 peacoat from Zara right after work but before going to the store and spending $50 on arugula and Icelandic yogurt.

But more than all of this, it seems like he's just not a great person. He finds himself very intelligent and inquisitive and cool but everything about his life is so contrived and refuses to be disagreed with. To top it all off, he's always saying something shitty about somebody, most of the time, right after they've left the room. Sure, he tells me he's my friend to my face, but who knows what that even means coming from a white and gay person.

Perhaps it's fitting then that last night, he came home from the grocery store fuming, "Can you believe somebody at Giant told me I had no manners?"

I did, but I didn't say anything, because I'm the good roommate.


rlp340 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

LOL love this post omg i come across sooooo many queens who are like that! They think thier top shit! Its disgusting that so many gay guys are like that in the gay community. I hate them with a passion.

And thing about white ppl not being clean. i totally agree with u!

Hetero-Challenged said...

"hipster clothing article he bought from a thrift store for $1 or a vintage store for $100"

That's hilarious and absolutely true.

D. said...

Ok your roommate sounds way worse than mine. Mine complain about bugs (two asians, one black) in the apartment and they rarely do any housework.

But one of then, who is gay and asian, does sorta sound like your white and gay roommate.

I think it all boils down to the culture and rubbing off bad habits like talking shit and having no manners. Sounds like he needs a more blatant explanation about his manners than someone just telling him.

I don't understand.

TED said...

You sure whine a lot. Given what I hear from other people with roommates, I'd say if your roommate pays his share of the rent, doesn't steal your stuff, and pisses directly into the toilet, you're way ahead of the game.

dccised said...

rlp340: you're definitely right. i just jump at any chance to perpetuate stereotypes.

ted: lemme guess, you live alone.

The Illustrious D said...

Zara is just Le Chateau by child labourers who have better fine motor skills. What a dicksuck.

Mike said...

I take issue with knocking icelandic yogurt...