Haven't Been Date Raped Yet But There's Still Hope

I've been thinking, trying to figure out why Tall Blonde Alcholic broke up with me [for real this time] to spend the last two months of his summer alone before he moves to New Jersey. The obvious occurred to me recently, he doesn't want to spend them alone, he just doesn't want to spend them with you. 

Then my mind drifted to his mouse-y new love interest. I guess he's kind of cute in a Joseph-Gordon-Levitt-I-will-never-age-Peter-Pan sort of way. But I inwardly hope to run into him somewhere in public so I can break him. Sometimes when I'm feeling especially lonely, I wonder if they are together at that very moment, laughing about my pathetic idiocy. I wonder a lot of things about them, but I know that answers to these questions won't quell my pathological interest and will only make things worse.

There was one night I couldn't fall asleep. I kept having short and vivid dreams about TBA in relationships with new people. In the last dream, he was dating a girl named Hannah Ruth and I was so infuriated that I slept with this hot black guy only to find out that he didn't want to be exclusive, which was crushing. When your dreams start to piss you off, you really know that you need to make a few life changes. So I decided to go on a few dates and find a new man. Because you know those losers that whine about how they don't know how to be alone and they need a man to feel fulfilled? Yeah I'm one of them.

Date #1

This was my first real date considering Tall Blonde Alcoholic and I kind of threw ourselves into the relationship immediately since we had already known each other for about six years. I met PR on OKCupid and we found that we had matching eating and body dysmorphic disorders. Somehow, we decided this was enough to meet up. 

He was much cuter than he let on. He had beautiful eyes, light brown hair, and a great butt, but the compliments kind of end there. Throughout the entire date, he talked about his Twitter account and his mom and his personal problems, many of them involving dating other guys. At one point, I had to walk him through how he should approach the cashier at Crumbs that he had a crush on but was ignoring him. Towards the end of the date, I was desperately searching for ways to get out. So I told him it looked like it was going to thunderstorm and he should get back to his place lest he get caught in the rain. My parade, had already been rained on.

Date #2

I met JB on manhunt recently, (yes I exhaust every internet dating option). Originally, he told me he had just gotten into a relationship and that he was looking to develop that. I didn't ask how still being on manhunt was part of the grand scheme of couples development and just assumed he was lying. Less than a week later, he messaged me telling me he liked my profile and thought we should meet up. This more or less confirmed he was lying and also that he was kind of dumb for not remembering who I was. But I agreed because he's totally an otter and I'm kind of into that in a weird, self-destructive way.

Since he is one of those happy to be alive gays with supportive parents and a job in human rights, I couldn't really tell if he was having a good time or not because there was a permanent, idiotic smile plastered across his face. I, on the other hand, felt really awkward. He was kind of high strung, (an otter on speed), and he kept talking about being gay in a triumphant and pretentiously intellectual way. During the middle of the date, he literally yelled "I am gay!" in Chinese inside a Chinese restaurant. He is white.

After lunch he basically ran off to meet another friend. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to take this as, "I am a super busy, popular person," or "this is me dismissing you immediately," but I was super relieved to have it be over. I can only stomach so much awkwardness in one day before the pain becomes visceral.

Later that night, he sent me this, "Although I don't feel we have chemistry in the sexual or romantic sense, I enjoyed lunch and I wish you the best of luck in both your personal and professional pursuits."

This was annoying because I had just assumed we were going to ignore each other and pretend the date had never happened. How is he the one to tell me that I didn't exude a sexual attractiveness? YOU EAT LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON AND NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR FORMER BISEXUALITY. So it's settled. You can go shave your back hair now.

Date #3

My date with CM has yet to occur but it appears to be the most promising. He is 6'3" and blonde and super cute and already calls me "babe," which I LURVE. He sent me this extremely serious text confessing that he is kind of a fanboy and into KPop. I thought to myself, this is perfect; people mistake me for a Korean all the time. But nothing is perfect; he lives in Virginia and I'm in Maryland. Also, he'll go days without saying anything to me and then randomly he'll send me a "Good night babe :)" text. I can't tell if he's seriously interested or not. I really don't know how men work, but of course you all know this by now.