Monday, June 20, 2011

Time To Reactivate Manhunt

I don't know if I have the clear mind to write about what has just happened but a vague and angsty twitter comment pretty much obligates me to write a follow up post.

In my sophomore year of college, one of my roommates taught me how to hack passwords on a computer. Giving this kind of power to a person with not one, but two True Life ailments ["I have trust issues." and "I'm addicted to social media."] is similar to giving an addict a brick of cocaine the size of the Pyramid at Giza.

I don't know what possessed me to check up on Tall Blonde Alcoholic's Facebook but it probably had something to do with the fact that he has seemed distant in our conversations while I've been in Europe and I wanted to know what was going on in his life. You can choose to read this as: I'm a creepy, jealous stalker that wants to make sure somebody I'm not even "with" isn't "with" somebody else.

It's a strange sensation to find something you are looking for but inwardly didn't want to exist. In my case, I found a string of messages between him and another guy. They talk about exchanging numbers and dinner dates and catching up as soon as he gets back, (coincidentally he is also in Europe). Tall Blonde Alcoholic sends him messages full of flirty smiley faces about how he will be totally free to hang out and look at his "cute pictures." Reading the excitement in his words to start something new with somebody else makes me feel hurt. He used to talk to me that way.
Side note: Tall Blonde Alcoholic met this new guy at a party that we both went to. I left early. On the way out, I was casually involved in a fight with this new guy and his two fag hags. Hopefully this is one of those funny coincidences that I can look back on and laugh about...

In some sense, I can't complain because we are not technically together. And what do I know about social propriety, I hack Facebook accounts. Regardless, I feel like a fool who has been holding onto nothing while he has been making plans otherwise for quite some time now.

The vengeful beast in me would like to do something to retaliate but the most I can do is to stop speaking to him; which only gives him an even more perfect opportunity to move on with his new guy. But callousness and being neurotic (dad's side, mom's side, inherited respectively) is probably what got me to this point to begin with. And I'm pretty sure that finding out about all of this is only going to further my emotional hangups. So maybe I should take a different route in dealing with this. Thus far, nothing comes to mind except the occasional fantasy of shoving them both off of a cliff.

Just a few hours ago, I thought that I would go home at the end of the week and spend two months with a person that I loved and I thought loved me. Now, my mind is filled with strange and morbid thoughts about the nonexistence of true love and how anybody can wake up one day and decide they don't love you anymore. I wonder if he will think of me when he takes his new guy to the places we used to go to and does the things we used to do. I wonder if his new relationship will mean more to him than the last. And I wonder if the new guy will be better for him than I was. My life has devolved into an Alanis Morissette song.

I don't really have any regrets about what I did. My moral compass may be seriously misguided but I believe snooping around is only wrong if you don't find anything. I certainly deserved to know about this, one way or another. This may be a good way for me to get the final push to let go. For the past six months I've been that idiot girl trapped in a Lifetime movie who just doesn't get that her relationship is doomed to fail. In some ways, I kept caring about us because I thought he cared too. So if ever there was an indication that things would not work out, I think this is it.

6 comments:

Toby said...

I feel you, my friend.

But.

A word to the wise: Never snoop around in someone's email account, Facebook account, text messages, phone log, ever! In the history of the entire world, nothing good has ever come from violating a friend's or a boyfriend's right to privacy. And in any event, the end will never justify the means.

Sorry to read that you're going through this. I've been there. Will keep you in my thoughts.

Did I mention to never hack into someone's email or Facebook account again? :)

prep_ster said...

And for that final reason, you need to cut your losses and leave.

You also need to stop spying. Jealousy will consume you. Trust me on this one.

Anonymous said...

Well, you could change his password and send vicious messages to the other guy. I'm not saying that you should, merely that you could.

In the future, you should take Toby's advice, and it's been clear for a while that your so-called relationship with TBA isn't going anywhere, but don't let anyone tell you that revenge doesn't feel good.

feetlikewings said...

Toby! What the hell ever happened to your journal. I'm disappoints.

Like the great Snoop Dogg says "Drop it like it's hot."

Anonymous said...

Your writing is fantastic. You should really think about writing a book... or at least posting on here more often!

Anonymous said...

Just my two cents as an anonymous poster, I don't think what you did was all that terrible, all things considered. Snooping is of course bad and mostly serves to make people miserable, but in this case it will probably benefit you and even TBA really, as it should save you both the melodrama of you finding out his actions over the course of the rest of the summer. But whatever happens, good luck.