Wednesday, December 16, 2009

1, 2, 3

At a house party, it is someone's idea to play "Never Have I Ever." This idea does not seem fun to me because there isn't anything I haven't done. Also, I can never remember if you are supposed to put your finger down when you have done it or when you haven't done it.

After the first five never-done-its, Tall Blonde Alcoholic is already out of the game. Everyone lies back and sighs, well that was fun. And then, wait a minute, that means he's had a threesome. Everyone assumes he's done it with two girls or maybe one other guy and a girl. But I know better.

Tall Blonde Alcoholic looks at me. I look at him, and then look away. Like they do in the movies or fragrance commercials. It doesn't look as good when I do it, but the effect is the same.

Seconds later, I receive the first of many texts, "Are you mad."

Why would I be mad? I have no reason to be mad. He did it before he met me. My response: "No." But I am mad, obviously. Because I am possessive and I like to think he has never thought about, wanted, fucked, or fuck+1ed anybody but me. (Keep in mind this is before we officially became boyfriends and I hadn't locked him in a cage under my bed yet.)

From that point, he unravels. The sweet tea vodka does not help. I drag him outside, where he begins crying.

"Everyone inside is judging me."

"No they're not."

"You hate me."

"No I don't."

"Everyone in the entire world hates us just because we're gay."

"Speak for yourself."

He continues to sob. I have a crier on my hands. He says he has nobody. I tell him he has me, which is something I've heard from a movie or fragrance commercial once. He says, "I love you so much."

I don't know how to respond to this because he is drunk and he's having an emotional breakdown so clearly he doesn't really mean it.

So I don't say anything back. And I suggest we go back inside. And I kinda wanna have a threesome now. And also eat a brownie.


Anonymous said...

For the record, I hate that game too. I always want to punch the first person that brings it up.

david said...


sorry to hear it was a lame night. hope things improved and you actually got that threesome ;)

athlonnyc said...

i reckon only reason he did the outburst was to have make up se.x


Random Thinker said...

your lack of posts, especially about the evolution of your relationship with Tall Blonde Alcoholic is so inconsiderate and uncaring for your blog reading fans.

perhaps you can make it up with details on the threesome you allude to... pictures also help.

anyway, happy holidays and happy new year...

Toby said...

Do yourself a favor and NEVER play that game! Nothing good ever comes from it, unless you count finding our just how slutty your friends (and boyfriend) are as "good." And if I have to play, I make it a rule to never be truthful. I can't tell you how many people I lost respect for during a "Never have I ever been double-penetrated" round a few months ago.

Anonymous said...

Looks like the paucity of posts is directly related to the fact that TBA and you are now "boyfriends". While very happy for you (hope this makes your worldview less depressing), would really like to read more posts. There are few bloggers, esp. of the gay variety, who write with as good dark humor.
If you are lacking in topics, maybe you can write about the sex between TBA and you, and how it sucks?

Good luck with everything!

Aek said...

I really dislike that game, because there's very little I HAVE done. o_O

But hurray for you two being bf's now. :-)

You know the phrase, "In vino veritas?" In wine truth. So it may not seem like he means it, but at least a good part of him probably sincerely does.

It might be best to get him to drink less, sounds like it's a problem.

TED said...

Others may have doubted, but I always had faith that you'd take something as positive as having a hot boyfriend and twist it into a source of anxiety and blog fodder. Well done!

Cash said...

congrats, i think.

Doug said...

I played the game once while in Vegas with my friends.. that's when they found out how much of a slut I really am.. lol.

And boyfriends? ooo you seem to have missed a post on that ;)

champagnesocialist said...

I really like the way things are turning out to be honest