Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Gym

There are several activities that I don’t actually enjoy doing, but I do them anyway because I enjoy the fact that I do them. These activities, which include drinking tea, watching the news, caring about the world, caring about others, etc., make me feel sophisticated, knowledgeable, lovable, etc. But one activity I really can’t decide if I genuinely enjoy or not, is going to the gym.

There is no doubt that going to the gym leaves me with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Finishing a workout is a testament to my determination to better my body. Yes, the fact that I spend all that time trying to get a man to want me superficially really says something about me. I let other people know that too. “I just got back from an awesome workout at the gym!” This gives them the impression that I am strong, masculine, and hetero. But I must admit that running on a treadmill for 30 minutes and doing some half-assed bench presses aren’t really getting me anywhere. My heart’s just not in it. And it’s not like anybody will ever want me for my looks or believe that I’m straight.

I guess what I’m really there for are the men. Because men that go to the gym are always attractive. They always have smooth, muscular arms. They always have perfectly formed asses. They always have blue eyes. They always have huge dicks. Always. And if they don’t, they are playing racquetball in the back part of the gym where nobody goes anyway.

Sometimes I go to the locker room to change even when I don’t need to just to see some naked boys. This makes me feel somewhat guilty because it’s the equivalent of a man sneaking into the ladies’ locker room. I don’t feel guilty enough to stop. One of these days I’m going to be featured on To Catch a Predator.

But going to the gym is also intimidating. I feel like everybody in the weight room is straight and hostile towards faggots. I feel like even the women at the gym are stronger than I am and could beat me in an arm wrestling match. I feel like everybody in the pool has a better body than me and is judging my obese self which looks like an overstuffed sausage ready to burst out of its casing. I feel like everybody in the locker room knows what I’m really there for, a glimpse of their penis and some merciless ass-pounding. All of this has me wondering if I should leave the gym behind and never look back.

But despite my severe paranoia and self-consciousness, the hope that one day I will have a body that horny men drool over, that one day I will have anonymous sex in the sauna, that one day I will meet my future husband in a racquetball court, gives me reason to keep going back to the gym, whether I really like it or not.

Figure 1: Yes, this is pretty much what it's like.


Anonymous said...

Lol @ the picture.
Luv u

Aek said...

Man, what gym do you go to and/or what time of day do you go?! Usually I see a lot of old wrinkly professor people at the gym (and they're fucking insane, puts me to shame).

The Blackout Blog said...

a) what the hell is Mimi holding in her hand? And those camel-toe shorts have got to go.

b) as long as you can be perceived to be under 25 (mistakenly or otherwise), there will always be some horny men drooling over your body. They may be rich, old, wrinkly rice queens, but at least they'll be white.

c) lists always feel more balanced with 3 items, no?

David said...

lol at item B!

the gym is good for your body no matter what (i'm one to talk lol)...

but anyway, yes, your youth puts you high up on the "wanted list" so to speak. might as well make use of it while you're young right? :D

Vigilant said...

Is that... Mariah!

Mark said...

you are on the money
as always
well played