Friday, November 4, 2011

The Irony In My Life No Longer Impresses Me

I was feeling manic on Sunday night after Once Upon A Time and before Desperate Housewives so I googled "gay-friendly therapist, dc." Finding one that seemed to have a particularly sympathetic looking headshot, I sent an email urgently asking for a first consultation as soon as possible. She emailed me back the next day, "First consultations are $350." Miraculously, I felt better instantly.

It's downright prophetic that I wrote about TBA in my last post because 3 days later a friend texts me, "Do you know the new guy that TBA's dating?" I was, in fact, not aware that he was seeing somebody. This was one of those shoot-the-messenger moments. I resisted.

I suddenly felt like I was being kicked in the stomach and the back of the head, simultaneously. The guy he met right after me turned out to be somebody serious. Being the dramatic diva that I am, I sent the most awkward and ridiculous message I could have possible come up with, "Do you love him?" He said, "what?" and then a few minutes later,"yes."

I felt the kicking again. How could two people who were basically each others entire lives just move on? Well, I guess the real questions is, why did one move on and the other one didn't? It's tough to imagine all the things he used to do and say to me, he's now doing and saying to this new guy. I wonder if he makes him happier than I did and I suddenly feel this strange connection to Adele.

This question is more or less answered by the fact that TBA also came out this summer. He decided not to go to Princeton but to stay in the area for a job. I wonder if this is the work of the new guy too, getting him to do and feel things that I could not. Ultimately, I will go down in history as a footnote in TBA's little black book, the boyfriend that was always in the shadows and a little bit insane. This new one seems more real.

I was dropped, I see that now. And I also know now that anybody who says they will love you forever can wake up one day and decide that they don't anymore. Four months after the fact, I should care less than I do. Perhaps it seems like I'm only upset that he found love sooner than I did. But the truth is I'm upset because he found somebody to love and I think I'm still in love with him.

There are many more questions I would like answered. But although knowing may satisfy my curiosity, it will probably only make me feel more horribly inadequate and depressive. The best strategy here is to go back to what we were doing just a few days before, not talking to each. For me, it takes a conscious effort to not pick up my phone and tell him that I want nothing more than to fall asleep in his arms. For him, it's rather effortless. It doesn't seem to matter to him whether he contacts me or not, and when he does, he comes off surprisingly glib. Yesterday morning, out of the blue, he said to me "if you are looking for new music, the new florence + the machine album is fantastic." This might be the last thing he ever says to me and I'm always going to wonder if it was spam...

Compounded with the rest of my problems, I feel especially helpless - like I'm drowning and there is nothing for me to hold on to. People say, "just move on" like it's that utility bill sitting on my desk that I've been putting off. They say, "don't think about him" as if the new season of Top Chef, white Hyundais, Angry Birds, Fresca, Pop music, the very thought of college, and a million other things don't remind me instantly of what we were together.

I was on OKCupid tonight hoping to spark up a conversation with a rando internet freak that would somehow result in the love of my lie. I clicked on a profile that looked somewhat promising and there he was, standing in the background of this guy's profile pic. TBA was wearing a shirt we bought together, smiling.

How fucked up is that?

9 comments:

TED said...

I generally maintain that most seemingly complex situations or problems in life can be boiled down to a line from a pop song, and in this case that line is "the first cut is the deepest." You're not meant to feel like you'll ever get over this, but you will, in fact, get over it. It's going to take a while.

In the meanwhile, diversion is key.

fan of casey said...

DC: It always takes time to get over someone. The ones where you cannot really pinpoint a cause are the most difficult, because you often don't have an opportunity to confront and make a case, and thus you feel that you don't have closure.

You're still hurting and grieving, and those little reminders of him just drag up lost hopes. While you are in the middle of all this despair and feeling like you'll never love again, with the passage of time, you will get over him and move on. The hurt will fade and you will find someone else.

If it means you have to cut him off from your life because it's too painful to still interact with him, then do it to give you time to heal.

The Illustrious D said...

A connection to Adele is well worth a gut-wrenching break up. Jay kay. It really isn't.

And telling a person to listen to Florence when they are clearly in an Adele place is a dick move.

Hetero-Challenged said...

You just wrote about the worst feeling in the world. I think that helps.

D. said...

Doesn't TBA stand for Tall Blond Alcoholic?

Let's say he's still an alcoholic in 20 years. Do you still want to be with him?

Elbert said...

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”
― Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

Anonymous said...

Aww man i feel ur pain sometimes i still feel like im in that postion!.....i can't really give u any advice but ....wat i do is apperciate everything i have now!

Im so greatfull that im healthy and living in a country with many opurtinity!

lol i should learn how 2 spell

Mike said...

Once I had standards, t'was lonely and frustrated; lowered those standards, now I get F-cked. Standards are for toilets.

confessionsofaboytoy said...

Why would anyone put a photo on OKCupid with another potential love interest in the background?