Queer Fear

So this weekend I decide, against my better judgment, to hang out with some of my hall mates from my freshman year of college. They're all pretty nice guys but I can't say I'm great friends with any of them because they can be quite immature (and we all know what a paragon of maturity I am). Case in point, last semester they took my roommate's mattress/pillow and instead filled his bed with packing peanuts. They also drew penises all over his notebooks. Oh yeah and finally, they poured a bottle of laxatives into his milk. I wonder why they never targeted me for any of their pranks though. They were probably intimidated by my extremely masculine demeanor, prominent arm muscles, and the gun I kept in my drawer. Or maybe they hated me... Anyway, all of this is inconsequential because like I said, I decide to hang out with them against my better judgment.

So during the conversation that I was half-listening to, Friend A says to me out of the blue,

"Dude, I have this friend and he is gay."

And I go,

"Really? That is very progressive of you."

And he goes,

"No, he's really cool. I mean, as long as they don't hit on me, I don't have a problem with gay people."

And I chuckle to myself. Not out of nervousness, because I am used to these kinds of incredibly awkward conversations. But I think it's very funny that this guy is worried about men being attracted to him even though he is 80 pounds overweight and has back hair. Girls may find me repulsive, but men are clamoring for my attention!

So what I don't get is that if every straight man knows the difference between Kelly Ripa and Kelly Osbourne, why can't they realize that gay men are just as discerning? We too, can tell the difference between Chris O'Donnell and Chris Farley. Just because our attraction to men is "unfathomable", doesn't mean our taste in men is equally preposterous.

I admit that my argument has insofar been vain and superficial. I will be the first to tell you that it's not all about appearance (me being an ugly duckling myself). Ok, so maybe this guy is worried that a gay guy would fall in love with his golden heart and sterling personality. But upon second thought, that too seems unlikely.

I think a lot straight guys' fear of gay guys stems from their misconception that we would capitalize on any opportunity to jump up their ass. Well, it should come as a relief (and I suppose a slap in the face) that they needn't flatter themselves. We aren't interested.

Hillary 2012

So I reluctantly admit to myself that I'm probably only going to get one comment per post on this blog, (and sometimes none at all). This saddens me immensely because I had lofty dreams of becoming the next great blogger, or you know... the first. Seems like I never learn the danger of aspiring to greatness; it always leads to disappointment. Not that I want to be the focus of universal praise and adoration, but it'd be nice to know I have a sizable group of loyal readers and I'm not just writing all of this for a few middle-aged pedophiles from Jersey. But in order to keep my giant head at a manageable size, maybe it's good to know that nobody cares about my life and I'm really just talking to myself.

But as it were, I'm writing this from Dupont Circle. Lured by the free wireless internet. But we all know that is just a ruse, I could have very well gone to McDonalds if I wanted free Wi-Fi. I'm really here to find love. So I sit on the grass, trying to withstand the awful smell, hoping that I didn't sit in poo, cursing the bugs that are crawling up my pants, waiting for my one true love to see right through my nonchalant expression and snatch me up. But as I uncross my legs trying to return some feeling into them, I remember the danger of aspiring to greatness. So I pack my things and leave.

And as I leave, I get accosted by a frustratingly persistent member of the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union). And being the softy that I am, I get suckered into listening to the entire stupid sob story about prisoners of war, and the tortured Americans, and freedom of speech, and all that crap that nobody cares about whatsoever. I try desperately to find a way out but it's far too late, I'm in her clutches and there is no escape for me. If only I had the balls to just push that bitch out of my way and continue to wherever it is I'm going. But I don't have the balls, and ultimately I am forced into a one-time donation of eight dollars (I hid the $50 in my wallet). She recommended that I give a hundred dollars but I just laughed at the ridiculous things coming out of her mouth . As I scuttle away, I can't help but feel like I totally wasted $8. I am no Rockefeller. My money better go towards something worthwhile like legalizing gay marriage on Mars or getting Hillary elected in 2012.

First Time

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.